remind you of anyone?

For anyone who knows or knew my Grandma and Mum, the likeness in these photos is uncanny!

(ps. face is mine, hair is not!)

Today I baked scones.

I thought I might make them plain but as I mixed the flour, baking powder and salt I realised I had to add sultanas to the mix.

It was quite appropriate. It is just one of the many things I remember Grandma for, and today is an important day to remember. Today marks one year since we lost her. Things have definitely changed since she hasn't been here. Extended family dynamics being just one.

She was never elderly to me. Never like some other peoples grandparents who seem old and fragile. Her first trip to hospital aside from childbirth was in 2004 for a hip replacement - she wore it out from simply being too active! For goodness sake! she was playing tennis. dancing, going on trips overseas with her friends, doing heaps in the community and with her church pretty much until the cancer took her energy and strength (and that was only a few months before she died). She knew what was going on in all of our lives because she took an active interest. Hannah was born in Oct '05 just before she was properly diagnosed - she couldn't stop apologising that she couldn't be there with me to help with the baby.

I miss her, we miss her.

Isabella 10wks being held by her gt grandma

Hannah 4wks, Isabella 18mths with their gt grandma
taken at Stanmore Bay 8/11/05

Hannah 3 1/2mths
22 Jan 06 at Stanmore Bay

A precious moment for Isabella (21mths) and her gt grandma
22 Jan 06

me and my Grandma at the beach house
22 Jan 2006

and to add to the mix of today being a day of remembering, we saw Coco at our 20wk ultrasound. How beautiful to see your child (kind of) for the first time. We also saw Coco on the screen at his or her actual size. Coco's little body currently would fit into the palm of my hand with her little legs dangling over the edge of my fingers. How I wished to take him out and cuddle him then pop him back inside. Everything looking wonderfully healthy and when asked if we wanted to know the sex of our baby I turned to Reuben... He replied... "no", and that was that.

Stanmore Bay

Took these pics on a recent visit to the "beach house" at Stanmore Bay. The place belonged to my Grandparents. I spent many long summers days and nights here. Sadly, it will be auctioned soon. This was kind of like a goodbye visit. I love this place...

she's gone

Grandma died on thursday 20th April, 10.22pm. She went into Hospital wednesday afternoon after suffering a massive stroke. My mum was with her when she went. Grandma opened her eyes and smiled at her, then closed them and the space between her breaths got longer and longer till she didn't breathe any more. Kind of a funny thing to contemplate what happens in the moment between life and death...

slowly fading

so after my first two blogs came thick and fast there's been a lull. and i've gone down hill. I have been tempted to get up and write at about 11pm for the last two nights, to wade through the mind mess, but I haven't. My friend has been trying to keep me accountable to going to bed at a reasonable hour so it was really her influence that stopped me - or it could have been the fact that i was just too shattered..

the back of my eyes feel wet and yet still too dry. i want tears to come out of them and to feel the release that comes from letting out emotion.

i don't want my grandma to die(now the tears are coming out and i can't see the computer properly) i'm not ready. she's not meant to die now.but i see her and shes not the same.i'm sick of well meaning friends telling me they hope for her sake it doesn't take much longer and that it would be better for her, for this part to go fast.easy words spoken with well meant compassion but they make me want to hurl.some moments i just want to open my mouth up and screw my eyes shut and throw my head back and scream and scream and scream...in fact i kind of did that yesterday. what with one baby screaming and the other having a tired tanty (while trying to change her nappy), a headache and sleep deprivation (my sleeping has gone mental again) i lost it for a moment. when i finished having my moment i looked down at miss almost two and she was gazing at me with an expression as if to say "what the crap?.." (it did stop the tanty!)

and right now i feel a little better.this outburst has cleared some saddness for the now. maybe i need an annonymous blog for all of this, or maybe this is okay. just keeping it real...