when your head just wants to explode

rough afternoon at our house today. I have had two important things to achieve today for sunday. the biggest one being assisting in preparing a tag team presentation for our church community meeting, and the other being selecting songs as I am worship leading sunday night. these things had to be achieved TODAY, as I am working tomorrow, and then sunday has two separate events planned within the day before we even get to church.

now, its not like these two things were dumped on me today. oh no. I've had - lets say  - at least three weeks for both and two of those weeks would NOT have been in the school holidays if I had got myself organised earlier. but if you know me, my best work seems to be achieved under massive time pressure - which in turn makes my head seem like its exploding. [in fact it was the multitude of time pressured deadlines on me which probably was a huge cause of my near burnout last yr, but I digress...]

just to say really that its not fair on my kids for me to try and work for a number of hours under time pressure. they deserve better from me, and certainly didn't deserve me verbally venting my frustration on them when they just needed my attention. I have a long way to go with balancing all I try to do... just glad that I managed a little outing this morning for them on their bikes to our local café, and then off to the playground.

maybe it helps to redeem today a little for my kids?

decreasing the clutter

we have moved. a lot. in our 14yrs of being married we have made 14 separate moves. in fact seven of those moves have happened in 2.5yrs. so I make claim to being somewhat of a moving expert these days. I think I should almost think about hiring myself out as a moving planner! now there's an idea...

as you can imagine, moving isn't exactly what someone chooses to do for fun. and this most recent run of moves has just turned out the way it has. for most of the year we leave in an amazing house which now feels very much like home to us, and for the other 12wks we find a summer house.

our most recent move happened 3wks ago. we moved from this years summer house back to the 'most of the year house'. today I sorted the last of the boxes and my bedroom is now looking great. (why is it my room is always the last?). I look around the house and I am aware we are living with less. much less. over the past 2.5yrs I have de-cluttered. and then de-cluttered. and sorted and thrown away and given away and the feeling is thrilling. don't get me wrong, I know there is still more "stuff" I could remove from the contents of my home. but all this clearing of possessions and stuff in order to make moving easier has such a freeing consequence to it.

I no longer feel bound to hold on to things because "I might need it one day". if I haven't used it and I don't LOVE it, then I have decided that if, by chance, I find I do need it one day, I will simply set about getting it. there is such a beauty in living more open handed, more simply and without all the stuff. not only does the stuff crowd my space, but it also ends up crowding my mind. funny how that works...

Checking in

i'm back again. its been a while. a new friend of mine has just launched her blog beautiful things and it just got me back to thinking about this blog.

I mentioned in my last post I got journaling again (around 2yrs ago now). it has been helpful and cathartic. to the point where I don't do it so often anymore. a lot has been going on and I have been learning a lot in recent months. about me. about my limits. about what burnout might look like. I am really on the road to recovery at this point. it is only retrospectively that I can see my experience from the last six months of 2012 as being as close to what I have experienced of true burnout. I have learnt about stepping back and reassessing - or at least I am learning. for a girl that has always moved at a fairly fast pace and always taken on a lot of responsibility it has been somewhat of a wake up call.

2013 has seen me take on a theme word for the year.

healthy.

that's it. healthy.

healthy body :: healthy emotions :: healthy mind :: healthy spirit :: healthy boundaries :: healthy relationships

I am currently reading a book ''Rushing Woman's Syndrome' by Dr Libby Weaver, quite eye opening to the biochemical responses our body takes on with stress. especially over a sustained period of time. I may download bits of it over time. its certainly a goodie and right on theme for this year.

I am still churning pure mama in my head. its been so long and I have had periods of thinking I will just ditch it - but the pull is still there. I am in a current period of energy for it. so. again will see where that leads me.

for now, this is enough
Xx

i'm back

well its been a while, a LONG while. here i am. no longer a mama to 2 - or 3. now a mama to 4! just wanted to check in really, i am sorting out in my head whether to re-start this blog and also start a new one - or just start a new one.

Asha, my baby just turned 1 - she is such a delight. delicious yummy baby girl. being a mama to her, isaiah, hannah & isabella remains the biggest goal AND achievement of my life. they hold my heart. i strive to be my best for them. i fail often. mother guilt is an almost daily occurrence, but i continue the journey knowing there is no where else id rather be than at home with them.

i continue to dream about having my own business, about launching pure mama. i'm not short on ideas, plans, dreams, vision. i am time poor - its easy to guess why. and spending money on a business is certainly not a priority when a young growing family of 6 is consuming much of the available resource.

i re-started journalling this year. what great therapy that has been for my mind and soul. certainly i love reading the journey my life has taken in 9 short months. i am never short on ideas - that is certain! and perhaps this might become on ideas outlet also. we'll see,

selah x

The big 5 approaches

My little girl is nearly the big 5. Isabella has only 2wks left of being a four (and a half as she says). This is okay. I look at her though and wonder where the baby has gone. I wonder at what a small glimpse in time it was that she was a toddler and how the two yrs she has been a big kindy girl have flown past. I was so nervous for her as she started kindy. I fretted that she would be lonely, or that she might have trouble making friends. I wondered how she would feel if and when other little people left her out of their games. I hoped she would be kind to the other kids and develop empathy. I am realising this is what mummys do. They sweat the big stuff and the small stuff. In truth she has been just fine. She is showing obvious leadership traits and is smart, independent and sweet. She is funny and loves to dance, sing and be creative. She is as tall as a 7yr old so I often feel I am reminding or telling people to cut her some slack when they judge her behaviour.

And now I am facing letting her go (a little more). I know its only school and we all have been there. I can't help but be a little terrified though. I want her innocence to remain intact for as long as possible and i know that for 6hrs 5 days a week I won't be there to protect her. Its the mama lion in me growling...

I was being silly with her yesterday and asked her if instead of turning 5 on her birthday she could just go back to being 3 so she could stay at home with me forever. Her reply was sweet and reflected what I have been repeating to her often in the past year. She said to me. "Don't worry mummy, I'll be 5 but i'll still be your baby".

Oh my sweet girl, how I love you so

How Jesus messed up my life...

This is the title of the current series we are doing on sunday at church. It got me thinking just now as I lie in bed with my mind buzzing unable to sleep..

I have had a business idea I have been thinking about for about 3-4 years now and working hard on this year. It is really close to my heart as it is a dream and that has meant i have been fairly cagey talking about it much. I have felt quite vulnerable opening up about it because:

• I didn't want to to get shot down - and I'm too good at reading people to not be able to tell what peoples real response to the idea is!
• I didn't want people to judge me and whether they thought I could do it - and then if it didn't happen have them think or say 'I told you so'...

so this is how Jesus has been messing up my life...

I've posted before about how heart broken I have been when the high profile child abuse cases have been in the media. It makes me sick, causes me to be unable to sleep, makes my tears flow. I want to do something about it. Abortion - another issue that breaks my heart. I want to do something about it - but what can I do?...

..Something that has been a real area of interest in the past 8yrs is pregnancy and the whole process a woman experiences. i practised physio in this area and one of the clients I most remeber working with was a young girl who came to see me from the bethany center a residential program and home for young pregnant women and their new babies. It sparked something in me...

If more of our young girls in NZ who fall pregnant who don't currently have appropriate support and role models, had the chance to recieve that support while pregnant and when they had new babies, would that mean that we could turn around just one of those babies futures? By influencing these young mamas to be, providing love, care, a supportive home environment and strong positive parenting role models could we prevent even one case of child abuse?

And right there Jesus was messing up my life. I have a long term dream forming where I see a home away from home for young pregnant women who don't have the support and skills for raising their babies and give those very things to them. I see these girls being able to interact in an establised family environment and see positive parenting being role modelled, to feel valued, loved and cared for themselves. There are organisations who do this already like bethany and mercy and that is awesome, I do feel like there is a pull on my heart as well and this is where the two dreams meet, I see that maybe, in the long term our business will provide the financial backing needed to fund the home. So...

This is big for me sharing the business and what it will be - but I am at a point now where the wheels are in motion - it is happening - I have prayed on many occasions that God would shut the door hard if I am running down the wrong path, and the door has remained open. I have prayed hard that God's will for my life would be what I desire also, and I simply am more and more excited (and terrified at times) about this... So this is in essence mine and Reuben's new business...

'pure mama'. It will be all about celebrating women as they experience pregnancy, labour/birth and the initial postnatal period, by offering a retail store for the essential things you need to buy, but also information, community and expert support. Women deserve to feel beautiful, nurtured and special during this period of their lives and this is what we aim to do. Our core values include being pro NZ made, pro natural/organic and pro fair-trade. Initially we will operated solely online with the goal of 'brick and mortar' in the medium term. Of course it all depends on our success!

We are getting close to finalising our logo and branding and for those of you who have known about it, you will realise that as part of this branding process, the name has changed! I think 'pure mama' captures the essence of who we want to be really well... We have two aweome business mentors who have been so valuable to us this year and my network of contacts is steadily building. Our biggest challenge will be sourcing the $$ needed to buy the software Reuben needs to build the community site - we will be working on this in the next month or so...

So thats how Jesus has been messing up my life. I have freak out moments now and then about how I will juggle everything, and I pray again that God will close the door hard if its not the right thing, but until the door closes will trust and work the dream.

so there you have it. this is the biggest learning curve I have been on I think (besides having my first baby!) and I am experiencing new things all the time! Not bad for a girl who has absolutely no training in business etc and has worked in a couple of retail shops part time! And hey, your prayers are appreciated!

remind you of anyone?

For anyone who knows or knew my Grandma and Mum, the likeness in these photos is uncanny!

(ps. face is mine, hair is not!)

letters on the mirror

I just had my shower - a part of my nightly bed routine. When i pulled away the shower curtain, looking back at me was the letter A and a few others carefully scrawled in childs handwriting on the bottom of our bathroom mirror... and I smiled...

Pre-children I was NEVER a neat freak. Cleaning is not my thing. I like things looking nice and being clean, I just never spent ages keeping things that way. I would generally spend the week living in our home doing the basics and the house would become more and more dis-organised and cluttered and then eventually I would go crazy and spend a day cleaning up again. This was my general pattern, even from when I was a kid (just ask my parents!).

Now that we have three small children, that pattern just doesn't work anymore - or at least it does in that it takes about half a day (sometimes less) for our home to look like a small tornado (or three) has been through. I therefore find myself constantly picking up and tidying these days. My kids sometimes bear the brunt of their mothers frustration at feeling like I am a continual house cleaner. I would really like to be able to just let it go as the "experts" advise us to, but the thing is that I know I feel better in myself when my home is tidy. Maybe part of the problem, is I am now contributing only a fifth (or less) of the mess, but feel like I am responsible for cleaning it all.

So back to those letters on the mirror - this morning while I was in the bathroom putting away some toys, Isabella (now 4) comes in and asks me to "watch this mummy". She then procedes to lick her finger and then use it to begin carefully forming the lettter "A" on the mirror. My first instinct was to snap and tell her to stop dirtying the mirror - but I bit my tongue this time. She turned around and smiled at me and said " look mummy, an A". We spent the next couple of minutes with her drawing more letters on the mirror with her finger... It was great!

So when I got out of the shower tonight and saw those letters - I smiled. Because my baby is growing up and becoming so clever, because it reminded me how much I love her and because it reminded me of the moment I might I missed this morning if I hadn't bit my tongue and overcome the urge of my currently dominant "neat-freak" attitude. And I am not going to wash away those letters - yet...

my three sweethearts

they say it comes in threes...

I am learning more and more about the differences between little girls and little boys - or at least my little girls and little boy. Isaiah is walking now - has his trainer wheels on. First steps at 10mths and walking by choice at 11mths. this is 2mths earlier than both the girls. He is still a smoochy little snuggler but also is always on the go - never stops for a second... anyhow this past week has been one not to repeat.

Tuesday
Isaiah pushed himself backwards off his booster chair which is attached to one of our dining chairs and smacked his head- this caused him to cry, then have a seizure, then go unconcious for a period. he earnt himself a trip to kidzfirst hospital in the ambulance and while there was taken to resus (where 10 doctors and nurses suddenly converged on him - SCARY!) cause he wouldn't respond to stimuli - as soon as he got there though he woke up... then had a CT scan. Everything was pronounced clear and five hours after the initial incident we were sent home. Next day you wouldn't know anything had happened...

Friday
At playgroup he starts crying and i recognize it as an "in pain" cry. he had something in his mouth and what do i fish out but - A BEE!! As it turned out he had been stung on his thumb not in his mouth and we now know he is not allergic to bee stings

Sunday
Tonight he fell off a small stage (with help from his sister i believe) and bit his lip and had bleeding from his top gum/teeth as well. Thankfully he settled quickly with a bit of magic soothing "mummy milk". He does have a fat lip to show for it though.

I'm sure this is just the beginning of many scrapes and bruises to come - how else would we produce and ALL BLACK captain for the future? but quite honestly I (and he) can do without another week like this one!

break in the weather

my most prominent role at the moment - mama to two preschoolers and a baby.

I am coping seemingly better with the transition to three babies than I did with the transition to two. the thing is though I really have little capacity for much else now. Doing the mother/home thing with three is all consuming. It drains my energy and ability to mentally focus on other things.

Hence spending time capturing my thoughts here has become sparse.

sometimes I resent being at home - all the things I would like to pursue and simply can't at this stage. Living on one income is tight as well.

The thing is though, each day I have moments where I look at them and the depth of emotion I have for them overwhelms me. They are simply divine - delicious, sweet, beautiful kids

I wouldn't trade being with them for the world

Loving this!

Faith & Endurance

James 1:2-8

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5 -8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

The Message (MSG)

Check this out...

Our Family at Coralee and Alex's wedding

Reuben, Isaiah, Hannah, Isabella & myself after the ceremony

Three little cuties

Hannah, Isabella & Joshua on the steps to the church straight after Coralee and Alex got married

Coralee and Isabella

Lent committment 2008

My lent commitment is to eat in a healthy manner so that I have more energy for life in all respects.

The rules are as follows:
Unlimited
· fruit and vegetables
· lean meat
· water and hot drinks
· pop corn & nuts
Limit of
· Cereal @ 1 meal per day
· Equivalent of four pieces of bread per day
Off limits
· sweets
· chocolate
· cake
· biscuits
· chips
· soda pop

thought for tonight

Fred Phelps - pastor of westboro baptist in Kansas America... delluded, preaching a message of hate which has absolutley nothing in common with the message of Jesus Christ.

Sadly the message of Fred Phelps will be what some equate with Christianity.

how offenisve that is to me.

How offensive that must be to God.

the longest blog drought ends

just a few thoughts for tonight...

• Today i had cause to reflect that I have proof against the big bang theory and subsequent development of intelligent life, right here in my own home. Let it be known that order tends to chaos and in my experience NEVER the other way around...

In my recent experience

• Having your first baby is hard cause everything is new, all the babies firsts are your firsts as well.
• Having the second baby is hard also. Although you are no longer a virgin parent, now there is the juggle of two to care for
• having the third baby is largely lovely. Its now third time around, you are now a seasoned multi-tasker, and third babies have to just fit in and go with the flow of the family. And fit in they do!