Thursday, June 20, 2013

status update...

well, life has been ticking along and I have been ticking along with it - minus social media. I have realised sharing updates and photos has been such a part of the tick that any significant, funny, cute, thoughtful moment has been framed in my head as a "status update" how curious.. anyway, I did want to just pause and reflect on a few things, just to keep in touch..

I had my first game back at netball this past Saturday. playing in prem1 grade for Ardmore club. I have been trying to figure out the last season I played - I think I remember having a season or two with a baby /toddler on the sideline - so maybe it was around 2006 given this post... anyway. it was exhilarating to be back on court. and not to be struggling, but to be back in the zone so to speak. my smile was ear to ear. and the best part was when the other team started getting agro in the 4th quarter it made me just angry enough to play harder :)

today my friend Fran taught me to crochet! or at least she taught me the beginnings of how to crochet. I have managed to learn two stitches so far and im making a sassy little headband for myself. there will be more if I get faster and it remains easy peasy :) I have found my patience for handcrafts in the past has been limited, so I will run with this for as long as my excitement carries me! 
asha has this amazing ability to fall asleep - she lay her body over the couch next to me this afternoon as I mastered my stiches and although for a couple of minutes had a cheeky smile like she was pretending to sleep - she is clearly a pretty bad fake..
then last Friday I got to learn how to make sushi with the amazing Ginny at the Clevedon Family Center. these are some of the nom noms I created (and consumed) on the day. I am so inspired to get all the sushi ingredients and go for it now - it really was so simple. and that would be good given the sushi kit I was given by my sister a few yrs back. *cough cough* - time to use it for what it was actually made for!

and while im on food, my girls made lunch for us on the weekend. it was a feast of cake and fruit and little sandwiches. they set the table with a cloth, made place tags, had the glasses with little umbrellas. they really did a beautiful job. we feasted, and enjoyed, and I thought they were a great little hospitality team.

and we are settling in to our new place. loving the heat pump, and especially tonight as I think it might be the coldest night of our very mild to date Auckland winter - currently sitting at 7 deg, (feels like 5 deg). which reminds me of how much we are looking forward to visiting Inglewood in the school holidays to connect with friends, maybe see some snow and just have a get away as a family. and now that we no longer have to move house at Christmas, holidays away may become more of a tradition once more I hope!...
ok, loving you all,
Vania Xx

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

visiting Auckland Hospital

yesterday I drove into Auckland Hospital to visit a friend. I parked in carpark B, followed the dotted blue line to the lifts and took it to the 9th floor - maternity and women's health. as I think back, I wish I had taken photos. its not that I have been there a huge number of times, because I haven't. but as I walked I found I was being hit with some very distinct memories. the visual reminders, the smells, the busy hustle and bustle...

of my frantic mother calling to tell me Grandma was gravely ill, of kicking and breaking my toe on my bathroom door in my panic to get to the hospital, and the painful limp through the corridors to make what would be my last visit while she was alive. and then returning that night to sit with her, my mother and my uncle after she had gone...

of being with my friend Kristen for each of her births. waiting for news on hospital seats that all was well after the emergency C-section with her first (I was in my first trimester with Hannah), waddling through corridors at 34wks pregnant with Isaiah to be with her when she was in labour with her number two, and again for number three (although I wasn't pregnant myself that time). the excitement and anticipation and nerves that come with each impending delivery...

and finally when I was in my friends room yesterday and took in the view over Park Road towards the med school, found myself thinking about one of my closest friends while at Akld Uni. He flatted for a bit in one of those old, decrepit, only for student, kind of flats. It reminded me of things that could have been and weren't, it reminded me of old friendships and experiences, of betrayal and love. I remembered how hurts heal in time and how forgiveness can be complete. it also made me long for re-connection once again...

quite a lot of emotion for Tuesday afternoon...

Saturday, June 08, 2013

saturday night musings. post FB & move number 15

it's approximately 24hrs now since I signed out of FB. in the end, I didn't deactivate my account. I went to do so, and as I started the process, FB wanted me to pass on admin responsibilities for a couple of groups I am involved in and also for the page I have for 'pure mama'. Reuben my beloved had been telling me that de-activating was a little extreme and asking why I couldn't just stay off it..
I tried to explain
I didn't feel like I had the self-control yet. in the end, the compromise was to have him change my password and me to not know it.

this was proving very effective until this morning when I went to play music through my spotify account and realised that spotify DOES NOT WORK without logging in through your FB account. guts. I really love spotify and use it all the time in the car and when I go for a run. SO. its looking like staying off FB is very much to become a result of self-control. a decision of will. can I do it?... hmmmm. so far so good though. a brief moment tonight I wondered what the world was doing without me knowing about it, it was short lived however - phew!

and much more important news is that we have moved. again.
#15. following is a list of where Reuben and I have lived since we married in 1999.
  1. august place, greenlane (5mths)
  2. queens road, panmure (18mths)
  3. mays rd, onehunga (3yrs)
  4. mountain rd, mt wellington (9mths) Isabella born here
  5. penruddocke pl, pakuranga (6mths)
  6. portadown ave, pakuranga (1yr) Hannah born here
  7. alma cres, papakura (4yrs) Isaiah born here
  8. thorps quarry rd, clevedon (5mths) Asha born here
  9. ardmore quarry rd, Ardmore (3mths)
  10. thorps quarry rd (9mths)
  11. north rd, clevedon (3mths)
  12. thorps quarry rd (9mths)
  13. north rd (3mths)
  14. thorps quarry rd (2mths)
  15. hyde rd, clevedon (...
the last month has been an incredibly stressful period for our whole family. the process of even deciding that YES, we were going to move again, has taken a huge emotional toll. on all of us. my 1st born is very sensitive, and of the kids has found it hardest. I think with the moves we have made over the last 3yrs she has always known that thorps quarry was our base, and that although we had to spend periods of time away, we would always return to it.

we own the home in papakura, but outgrew it. so just before asha arrived we found a beautiful rental in clevedon to move to and rented our home out. there was a catch however. the English owners are elderly and return to NZ each summer to visit family for 3mths. suitable long term houses to rent are hard to come by in clevedon where we have decided to be based, so we accepted our situation and made the most of it. in the back of our minds we waited and hoped that the home we had become attached to at thorps quarry would become long term. alas three summers passed and we had no assurance that it was not to become 4. as this long term possibility of a home at hyde rd presented itself to us just over a month ago, it seemed like we just couldn't ignore it as an option. there were complications though, and making sure this new home would work logistically surely hasn't been a simple process.

the week leading up to moving day (Friday 31st may) may well have been the most intense in - well - a long time?  on the Monday, out of about 50 possibles I was randomly selected for jury duty. charges for the case were kidnapping and robbery. the case lasted the full week - till 4.30pm Friday afternoon, when we delivered guilty verdicts on both charges. that was emotional on its own. reuben had to take the week off in order to be home with asha our 2yr old. BUT due to circumstances at work, ended up having to pull a (close to) all nighter, take her in to work with him for a morning, and work from home for much of the week. not so conducive to packing boxes right?! moving day arrived, and instead of the truck and movers arriving at 12pm as planned, they knocked on the door at 7.30am. yup. you can just imagine right?. I need not say more. off to court I went after madly packing the last of the boxes, getting the kids to school and settling asha with a friend for the day. meanwhile, the movers were doing their thing and reuben was on the computer logged into work. all of the events of that week were wrapped in a huge sense of sadness and disappointment that we had to leave this home. a place where we had invested ourselves and created memories in. not an ideal situation.

that week came close to undoing me, it came close to undoing reuben, their are some moments in that week that are best left unsaid, and put down to reactions due to huge stress.

this week just finished has felt like breathing fresh air in comparison. I feel the lightness in my heart and spirit. I notice how I don't get wound up at the slightest thing. there are cuddles and happy hearts and laughter and games emerging again. this house is very different to the last one. but this house I can unpack and give away the boxes (or even burn them!). this house is beginning to feel like a home. my home. I think there will be happy memories created within these walls. I am excited about nesting and creating and deciding how I want this space to look and feel and nurture those who come here.

and I am so grateful to God who is with me, who has been with me through every move, who has carried us through every move. the God who knows the future, who holds the past and walks with me in the present. I know I can trust him. I know he is faithful. I know he loves me. and I surrender to his plan for me and my family. as the song says. "you make all things work together for my good".

and I cant finish this post without saying thankyou. thankyou to the friends and family who have supported us, practically, emotionally, spiritually whether through packing boxes, cleaning, moving, buying me coffee, making me laugh, loving on and looking after our children so we could do what we needed to and praying for us. you are what fills my heart and I love each of you. and reuben. (just think Jerry McGuire - ok?) Xxx

Thursday, June 06, 2013

my addiction

I confess. I have an addiction. and its an unhealthy one. this is a strange thing for me, because comparatively I don't think I am particularly obsessive or "addicted" to any particular substance. not smoking, alcohol, drugs, coffee, unless sugar counts? my confession? my addiction of choice happens to be social media - "facebook" to be exact.

there i said it. I don't actually want to make it out to be bigger than what it is, but the question has been raised - why? why am I going to de-activate my FB account for period of time?

the why is tied up in where I want my time, energy and focus to be. and I want it to be on my family. focused and present around my children. I want to look at them when they speak to me and hear the words they speak, feel the emotion and connect to them - rather than be connected to the electronic device in my hand. to not feel the need to be ever present in a virtual world, making sure I am not missing out on what my friend in wellington ate for lunch today. or awaiting the responses from friends to the latest photo posted. I don't want my 2yr old to pick up my phone and run to me with it saying "mama, your phone booped". or "mama, can I play on your phone" - because that's what she sees me doing so often, and thinks that's a normal play time activity for a pre-schooler. this blog post from "hands free mama" really hit home for me.

I have tried to limit myself and set boundaries for myself on when I can access FB, but I am too weak, and access is far too easy. its my own version of "crack"

I can also do without seeing the updates from friends who have had such a "fabulous time being together the other day/night" but only makes me wonder why I wasn't included in the get together. truly, FB can bring out all manner of female insecurities - and is sometimes a little bit too much like high school all over again...

there are some great things with FB however, one being the ability to connect with dear friends who aren't quite so local - and that is one of the reasons I am not making this a decision for all time. I think I will probably come back to it. and hopefully, with a few more boundaries around the way I use it - rather than allowing it to control me.

I wonder if the emotions I am experiencing now are anything like what a true addict experiences in the face of "coming down". a little bit edgy and anxious. a little unsure about what I will do without it. a little unsure how I will connect without it. a little like I need to get the biggest hit I can before I am not allowed anymore. I wonder how long the come down will take. until I don't grab my phone to check update notifications, or what this person, or that person has been doing...

in the meantime I will blog. and I might enjoy being more present with my family. imagine that...