saturday night musings. post FB & move number 15

it's approximately 24hrs now since I signed out of FB. in the end, I didn't deactivate my account. I went to do so, and as I started the process, FB wanted me to pass on admin responsibilities for a couple of groups I am involved in and also for the page I have for 'pure mama'. Reuben my beloved had been telling me that de-activating was a little extreme and asking why I couldn't just stay off it..
I tried to explain
I didn't feel like I had the self-control yet. in the end, the compromise was to have him change my password and me to not know it.

this was proving very effective until this morning when I went to play music through my spotify account and realised that spotify DOES NOT WORK without logging in through your FB account. guts. I really love spotify and use it all the time in the car and when I go for a run. SO. its looking like staying off FB is very much to become a result of self-control. a decision of will. can I do it?... hmmmm. so far so good though. a brief moment tonight I wondered what the world was doing without me knowing about it, it was short lived however - phew!

and much more important news is that we have moved. again.
#15. following is a list of where Reuben and I have lived since we married in 1999.

1. august place, greenlane (5mths)
2. queens road, panmure (18mths)
3. mays rd, onehunga (3yrs)
4. mountain rd, mt wellington (9mths) Isabella born here
5. penruddocke pl, pakuranga (6mths)
6. portadown ave, pakuranga (1yr) Hannah born here
7. alma cres, papakura (4yrs) Isaiah born here
8. thorps quarry rd, clevedon (5mths) Asha born here
9. ardmore quarry rd, Ardmore (3mths)
10. thorps quarry rd (9mths)
11. north rd, clevedon (3mths)
12. thorps quarry rd (9mths)
13. north rd (3mths)
14. thorps quarry rd (2mths)
15. hyde rd, clevedon (...

the last month has been an incredibly stressful period for our whole family. the process of even deciding that YES, we were going to move again, has taken a huge emotional toll. on all of us. my 1st born is very sensitive, and of the kids has found it hardest. I think with the moves we have made over the last 3yrs she has always known that thorps quarry was our base, and that although we had to spend periods of time away, we would always return to it.

we own the home in papakura, but outgrew it. so just before asha arrived we found a beautiful rental in clevedon to move to and rented our home out. there was a catch however. the English owners are elderly and return to NZ each summer to visit family for 3mths. suitable long term houses to rent are hard to come by in clevedon where we have decided to be based, so we accepted our situation and made the most of it. in the back of our minds we waited and hoped that the home we had become attached to at thorps quarry would become long term. alas three summers passed and we had no assurance that it was not to become 4. as this long term possibility of a home at hyde rd presented itself to us just over a month ago, it seemed like we just couldn't ignore it as an option. there were complications though, and making sure this new home would work logistically surely hasn't been a simple process.

the week leading up to moving day (Friday 31st may) may well have been the most intense in - well - a long time?  on the Monday, out of about 50 possibles I was randomly selected for jury duty. charges for the case were kidnapping and robbery. the case lasted the full week - till 4.30pm Friday afternoon, when we delivered guilty verdicts on both charges. that was emotional on its own. reuben had to take the week off in order to be home with asha our 2yr old. BUT due to circumstances at work, ended up having to pull a (close to) all nighter, take her in to work with him for a morning, and work from home for much of the week. not so conducive to packing boxes right?! moving day arrived, and instead of the truck and movers arriving at 12pm as planned, they knocked on the door at 7.30am. yup. you can just imagine right?. I need not say more. off to court I went after madly packing the last of the boxes, getting the kids to school and settling asha with a friend for the day. meanwhile, the movers were doing their thing and reuben was on the computer logged into work. all of the events of that week were wrapped in a huge sense of sadness and disappointment that we had to leave this home. a place where we had invested ourselves and created memories in. not an ideal situation.

that week came close to undoing me, it came close to undoing reuben, their are some moments in that week that are best left unsaid, and put down to reactions due to huge stress.

this week just finished has felt like breathing fresh air in comparison. I feel the lightness in my heart and spirit. I notice how I don't get wound up at the slightest thing. there are cuddles and happy hearts and laughter and games emerging again. this house is very different to the last one. but this house I can unpack and give away the boxes (or even burn them!). this house is beginning to feel like a home. my home. I think there will be happy memories created within these walls. I am excited about nesting and creating and deciding how I want this space to look and feel and nurture those who come here.

and I am so grateful to God who is with me, who has been with me through every move, who has carried us through every move. the God who knows the future, who holds the past and walks with me in the present. I know I can trust him. I know he is faithful. I know he loves me. and I surrender to his plan for me and my family. as the song says. "you make all things work together for my good".

and I cant finish this post without saying thankyou. thankyou to the friends and family who have supported us, practically, emotionally, spiritually whether through packing boxes, cleaning, moving, buying me coffee, making me laugh, loving on and looking after our children so we could do what we needed to and praying for us. you are what fills my heart and I love each of you. and reuben. (just think Jerry McGuire - ok?) Xxx

Faith & Endurance

James 1:2-8

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
5 -8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

The Message (MSG)

Check this out...

Lent committment 2008

My lent commitment is to eat in a healthy manner so that I have more energy for life in all respects.

The rules are as follows:
Unlimited
· fruit and vegetables
· lean meat
· water and hot drinks
· pop corn & nuts
Limit of
· Cereal @ 1 meal per day
· Equivalent of four pieces of bread per day
Off limits
· sweets
· chocolate
· cake
· biscuits
· chips
· soda pop

thought for tonight

Fred Phelps - pastor of westboro baptist in Kansas America... delluded, preaching a message of hate which has absolutley nothing in common with the message of Jesus Christ.

Sadly the message of Fred Phelps will be what some equate with Christianity.

how offenisve that is to me.

How offensive that must be to God.

words of encouragement

These two scriptures were significant leading up to Isaiah's birth and really encouraged me. God gave me a deep sense of his peace as I repeated them over and over to myself. Just wanted to share them and I guess record them for my own memory. Reading them again now, I think they are just as significant to me as encouragement for the days that lie ahead as I work out how to be a mummy to 3 little ones...

Psalm 139: 3 & 5
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am...
You both precede and follow me,
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!

Philippians 4:13
For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need.

Thanks God for being here with me right now, in the days that have just passed and in the days to come. I can't do this without you...

x

Psalm 100 - A psalm of thanksgiving

Shout with joy to the Lord, O earth!
Worship the Lord with gladness.
Come before him, singing with joy.
Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
He made us and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and bless his name.
For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation.

13 Weeks

Well, I am now 13 wks pregnant + 2 days (it all counts!). I was quite excited at 11wks cause the nausea stopped... however it came back 4 days ago - or more so a sick heavy feeling in my stomach. And its so damned hot it makes it doubly bad...

I have come to the decision that I don't want to find out what sex Coco is. At first I thought I might be disappointed if we had another girl. Then for a few different reasons I was reflecting again how I would actually feel if we did have a third daugther. Thats when I realised I would be thrilled if I was carrying another girl - just to the same extent as if Coco is a boy. So that's that. We will all find out sometime around the 10th September 2007. And I am truly excited to wait for the surprise!

The one significant God thing I want to mention is a Rob Bell Nooma DVD "Breathe" we watched at cell group 2 wks ago. Jonathan says it well on his blog. Gave me fresh meaning to the song "breathe" - this is the air I breathe, Your Holy presence living in me...". It allowed me to exhale, to rest with my God. What a needed moment...

Africa and ER

so i was watching ER on Monday night and it brought me to tears. The whole episode was in Africa as Dr Pratt has gone over to help in a small makeshift hospital in Ganfur. He is confronted at one point in the episode with an African mother and her baby. I missed the actual problem with the child, but the jist was that they could not afford the time and resources necessary to save her baby. It was a basic medical condition - could have been due to dehydration/starvation. The doctors therefore had a nurse translate to the mother that they were sorry, they could do no more for her child. From there she simply had to wait and watch her child die.

I know that it was ER. This is a show for our entertainment. What got me though, what moved me to tears was the reality of the situation. That every day, every hour, mothers (and fathers) in Africa (and other parts of the world) must watch their children fade away in front of them for no good reason.

It made me angry. It made me intensely sad, It made me want to fly to Africa and be with those mothers. To bring them help, to bring them food, water and medicine. To save their babies and to spare them the pain of their loss.

How does compassion a million miles away outwork itself?

thoughts?

lots of thoughts...

i have learnt something about myself (well maybe a few things, but here we go...). When I hear an idea, my initial response is not necessarily myfinal position. I am a ponderer. i sort through things and eventually reach a position. I have discovered three key places where all this thought takes place. they are

1. the car
2. the shower
3. my bed

i guess these are pretty much my only places without (too many) other demands encroaching on my space. I often blog in my head - perhaps they should invent some way to get a direct link or automatic download from my brain and then my blog would be really interesting.

i went to the doctor a few months back cause I was really thinking I might have cancer. All the symptoms I had in the end were explainable (thankyou God) and the doc gave me the thumbs up. but it has got me thinking about my diet.

this brings me to the next line of thoughts.. why do I eat? apart from the obvious of course!

• Mostly I think because I like the taste, i like swallowing, i like chewing...
  
• I eat because I have been trained to finish my plate (as all good mothers tell their kids).
  
• I eat because i have started mistaking thirst for hunger.
  
• I also eat because I am bored or (worst of all) because I am attempting to delay doing something I don't want to do - like folding washing, or dishes, or vacuming, or picking up toys, or blah, blah, blah. I was born to be a mother definitely not a house cleaner!

so i have decided to become deliberate about my eating. breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, maybe a last snack. i am also trying to be diligent about staying hydrated. Day 3 and going really well so far. I don't feel so stuffed/bloated...

and don't you hate it when all the blog entries you have mentally prepared disappear and you can't remember any of them when you want to write it down...

me, reub and another couple Jonathon & Dione have watched these DVD's recently on Chazown (pronounced car-zone). Basically a series based on the verse "without a vision (chazown) the people perish." Each DVD looks at something different like relationship with God, relationships with others, money, purpose etc. basically each DVD asks a similar question - "Do you have a vision for this area of your life?" It has actually been a thought changing series for me. It puts the little things into perspective of your whole life - why do we do things we do and if we look at our vision for a particular area of our life eg. great marriage, what would we have to put ion place or change to achieve it?

anyway, its far too late and my chazown for sleep tells me i need to pack up now. love ya and leave ya

x

Flawed...

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am a mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reasuurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

C. S. Lewis

Birthday reflections

I am fast approaching a significant birthday. This Saturday I will be thirty. 3 decades old. I don't feel old. In some ways I feel like I am really just getting started... in other ways I feel haggered! As I pause to reflect...

• I have been married for seven years, nine months and four days
• I am still in love with my husband
• I have two beautiful little girls who are my world
• I, with my husband recently proud homeowners
• I appreciate and love my family more than ever
• Although I have now lost both my much loved maternal gandparents, I still have both my dear paternal grandparents
• I have some awesome friends around me who I absolutely love - I will tell you personally
  
• I have my first grey hairs amongst my head full of medium blond (I think I can track their arrival within the last year)
• My tummy has the stretch marks to show for carrying two babies
• Gravity and breastfeeding has taken its toll - I used to avoid the push up bras - didn't need them, now I say "bring it on!" (of course that's once I am rid of the maternity bras!)
  
• I need lots of moisturiser in the eye area to ease away the lines
• according to recent blood tests, my GP says I am one of his healthiest patients with a very respectable cholesterol reading (if you want to know, you will have to ask)
  
• making spontaneous plans to go out and have fun (read adult fun minus kids like shopping, movies, eating out etc...) seems like a lifetime ago
• DVD's are my version of a night out at the movies. The last time we did get to the movies was a 9pm session of "You, me and Dupree" although we only saw half of it as the sitter rang to tell us Hannah wouldn't stop crying, so we had to drive home
  
• I still reminise about the old days back at Auckland Uni, friends who I no longer know and wish I did, and others whom I am happy to have let go
  
• I still love taking hot baths at night
• I still love having my feet rubbed
• I still love summer and going to the beach
• I still love sleep ins (a much anticipated treat)
• I still love MnM's
• I am learning more and more about how much God loves me and what "Grace" really means
• I am learning more and more about how to love God and others
  

So I will now head to bed to enjoy a well earned rest. Three sleeps to go!

actions and reactions

We have been borrowing our friends car while they have been over in the states. I noticed in the passenger seat this book the other day - An Unstoppable Force - by Erwin Raphael McManus. I brought it inside to do some late night reading. I didn't get far before my eye lids got heavy but this got me thinking...

When God creates, he creates with relational integrity. Everything is connected and fits together. This is true not only in the physical realm, but even more so in the spiritual. The bible tells us that when one man sinned, all creation groaned.

Those who study science have told us that a butterfly fluttering its wings in South America could, in come sense, be the primary cause of an avalanche in Antarctica. This level of complexity strikes us as new and innovative, and yet the Scriptures have advocated this kind of interconnection for thousands of years. The idea that the sin of one man and one woman could send a disruption throughout the entire cosmos is an extroadinary description of the organic connection between all of nature.

The pulling of one piece of fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil was the primary influence of famines that spread across deserts, tsunamis that swallow up villages, earthquakes that shake the earth, and the unpredictable force and violence of nature. According to scripture, everything is connected, and every action has at least some effect on the whole.

Its the last sentence that especially grabs me.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been going through the process of meeting with prospective employers and trying to figure out how going back to work (part time) will pan out. At first it seemed relatively straightforward as Reuben was working from home and so he could care for our two babies while I was at work. (My only concern was the fact that I am still breast feeding a fairly mummy dependent 11mth old - and how would she cope). Then Reuben started his current contract which meant I had to look at either working nights/weekends OR find alternative childcare.

As I reflected on it, I became more and more uneasy. Theres so many factors to take into consideration, and I don't have energy write now to type it out. My decision which ever way will affect so many different things - in my life, my husbands life, my childrens lives... But for now it doesn't feel right for us...

So I contacted the guy and told him...

no.

eating the apple & epidurals

So... I had part of a conversation a couple of days ago and would love to know what you think...

It went like this..

OTHER: "did you know epidurals take away all the pain so giving birth doesn't hurt"

ME: "yeah, but the pain has a purpose"

OTHER: "whatever, the pain is because adam and eve ate the apple"

the conversation continued with me giving my opinion of why I don't like epidurals as a standard form of pain relief. (don't do a knee jerk - I realise sometimes they are necessary...)

God intended birth to be pain free, (or at least different to how we experience it) but as a result of the fall, it is not. Therefore, is having an epidural (and therefore reduced labour pains, simply experiencing birth as God intended???

theres a thought...

Does it exist?

I led worship at cession tonight. Anyway, pre-service I was trying to find a passage in the bible that talks about God inhabiting or dwelling the praises of his people. I asked a few people who have have good knowledge of the bible and they couldn't remember. I rang my dad and asked him to look for it.. he searched the net to find the reference for me and he couldn't find it. I searched my NIV concordance last night - and couldn't find it...

I'm starting to wonder if it exists! Or is it one of those phrases that we have all heard so often that we simply believe it to be scripture?

Ten points to anyone that can find the reference and post it for me!!!

thanks God

We get down to scraping the barrell again and waiting for work to come through in time and yet again God proves his faithfulness. A 3-5 mth contract for reuben. And given the job less than 24hrs from first application to the recruitment agency.

My God is an Awesome God.

biting more than we can chew

I have been processing this post internally for the past few weeks. I have a few different angles and maybe this will have to be a few posts in the end.

When Hannah was a newborn (shes now 10mths) and Isabella 17mths, my mum made a somewhat passing comment comparing mothers today and mothers back in the day when she was getting amongst with nappies and such. It was along the lines of how being at home and being a fulltime mum (to babies/toddlers) was considered a fulltime job - hence they didn't take on extra commitments and responsibilities outside of that.

Now the comment was made in a supportive and concerned way. She was suggesting the reason I was feeling completely overwhelmed was because she I was attempting to bite way to much more than I could chew. Of course I was quite disagreeable to this idea that I was overdoing things... however I have been mulling over this comment ever since.

I sense there is an expectation now that we can do it all. We get to the point in our lives when we start to have babies and think nothing else has to give. Sure, we give ourselves a mandatory 12 wk period off when baby arrives - from work or ministry, and then relaunch ourselves. Some go back to work, sometimes finances forcing their hand, juggling childcare and a career; others stay at home, taking on the fulltime childcare and household responsibility - a job we never "go home" from.

And I have to say it - it is probably those of us who have been highly motivated, high achievers, highly involved that have the most pressure to get back to it. And the pressure is mostly internal I think.

I think society has changed dramatically over the past 30yrs. Our lives are more complex and busy. As great as the feminist movement has been in some areas, it has made things really suck for women in other areas. Sure, we should expect to face internal questions about our changing role as we face motherhood, but why should we feel guilty, lazy or less significant when we contemplate letting go of some of the other stuff we do.

I've discovered I am not superwoman, although I suspect I will keep trying to be... I suspect my mum is right - some of us have ridiculous expectations of ourselves. We are trying to do too much - and we're paying the price... more on that later...

Holy Discontent

Last year (about September if my memory is correct) I heard a message from Bill Hybels that he preached at the willow creek convention. One of the messages really stuck out to me. I still think about it in fact.

He talked about 'Holy Discontent' (HD from here on...) and discovering what your personal HD is. From his description, I remember a persons HD being the thing that absolutely breaks them (tears their heart apart) and moves them to act. SO an example might be someone who decides to work at the SPCA because they can't bear animal cruelty. This person is "broken" by animal abuse and chooses to actively do something about it. Your HD could be a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g... If you stop to think about it, you can work out what some peoples HD is easily.

I keep coming back to the question "What is MY Holy Discontent?" What breaks MY heart? What tears ME up inside? What makes ME churn? What prompts me to act?

Its been aparent for a while now that cases in the media of child abuse REALLY get to me. The current story in NZ about the Kahui twins really rips my heart. As I watched one news report on it and talked to my husband about it, the tears flowed freely. Or Children starving and dying cause they don't have food, drink or medicine. Nothing else seems to touch me quite as much as this does. So is this my HD? Or is this and area that touches me more at the moment because I have two small children of my own?

And what about being prompted to action? We sponser two kids through tear fund - have done for many years... but action in NZ needs to be more than just money? what can i do? thoughts anyone??

In the meantime will keep dialoguing with God about it and keep exposing myself to stories in the media / real life. Perhaps I haven't yet been broken enough?...

Unconditional

We have gone unconditional on our first home! Very exciting...

Well last time i left with the news that our move out and move in days were aligned. The new bit to add is as follows... The agent called us up and asked if we would settle two weeks ealier than agreed (26 May). I was pretty hesitant. Thinking about how everthing had lined up so perfectly I thought it couldn't possibly be in God's plan to move in earlier. Reuben decided we should say yes and after talking to God about it, I decided to submit (now theres a topic!) and let Reuben lead on this one. We rang the agent to confirm the date and then rang our Mortgage broker Josh the next day to tell him of the change in dates.

Turns out he was about to call us that day and ask if we would be able to bring settlement forward to the... 26 May! He had negotiated a mean deal for us on the mortgage which would only last till that date. Settling any later would have meant paying $1900 more in fees!

Coincidence all this is not.

buying our first home

It has been a dream of ours from when we got married almost 7 1/2 yrs ago to buy our own home. Although we have begun to step down that path a number of times, it has never happened to date. God has spoken fairly clearly to me a number of times on the issue giving quite a loud NO, not now. The most recent of these words to wait and be patient was on the 1st January 2006 through psalm 37...

At the end of January our landlord Kaine told us that he was putting his house on the market. So when you're renting it works like this: if the house isn't sold to an investor you are given 42days from when the sale goes unconditional to move out. Reuben told Kaine that we would be keeping our options open as to whether we would move out before then. We began to pray for Gods perfect timing over the sale of Kaines house and us finding a new place to live.

The search then started. we watched on the net and papers for potential rental properties for us to move to. We found two houses in particular which seemed like they should be perfect. Both in good location, one of which the christian landlord wanted to reduce the rent so we would take it, (reuben & I agreed that it didn't "feel" right, and so let it go) and the other the house of old family friends (another party offered to pay MORE than the asking amount of rent so we missed out on this one also)...

Cruising on Trade Me one friday night I noticed a cute looking place for sale out in Papakura. We had to vacate our house for an open house the following afternoon so decided to go check it out. This started us on our most recent exploration into home buying. This house (we'll call it the blue house) really caught both of our attention. It doesn't often happen that Reuben and I both think a place is great. So we got the parents through, met with a broker and decided to make an offer. To cut the long story short, it became a multi offer scenario. We put in our best offer, prayed that if it was meant to be that we would get it... and then lost it to the other party by $5K. We were so disappointed!

Over the next three - four weeks we waited in hope that the sale of the blue house would fall through. Alas it didn't. The door felt like it was opening for us to continue looking to buy. So we did - and we looked at lots of awful houses in our price range. The blue house seemed to grow in our memory and we wondered if we would find anything as good.

I had seen a place on Trade me (the yellow house) that looked okay but didm't bother investigating it as it was $45k over our maximum price. As it happened they listed their house with Harveys (now at $25K over our absolute max). An agent told us about it and took us through. It was an OK place but we weren't that excited by it and decided not to take it further. A week later, the agent rang to say the owners really needed a quick sale as the had bought themselves. We decided to do a a second look with the parents. It felt still too expensive for us and we didn't feel emotional about the house anyway.

After talking to a couple of wise friends we decided we may as well make an offer and maybe get a good deal. we made the offer at our max amount possible. The owners rejected our offer and that was that. didn't feel sad about it at all! Four days later, the agent rang back to say the owners now wanted to accept our offer and were we still keen. We said yes - $25K below asking price! And now it started to grow in our minds and we started to see how much better yellow house was than blue house.

So you remember how we were praying for everything to line up... the agent for Kaines house was absolutely perplexed as to why it hadn't sold. well we found out this past saturday that Kaines house has sold. And what would you know, the date we need to be out of here (42 days) is the same as our move in day to yellow house...

Gods timing and plans are perfect!