status update...

well, life has been ticking along and I have been ticking along with it - minus social media. I have realised sharing updates and photos has been such a part of the tick that any significant, funny, cute, thoughtful moment has been framed in my head as a "status update" how curious.. anyway, I did want to just pause and reflect on a few things, just to keep in touch..

I had my first game back at netball this past Saturday. playing in prem1 grade for Ardmore club. I have been trying to figure out the last season I played - I think I remember having a season or two with a baby /toddler on the sideline - so maybe it was around 2006 given this post... anyway. it was exhilarating to be back on court. and not to be struggling, but to be back in the zone so to speak. my smile was ear to ear. and the best part was when the other team started getting agro in the 4th quarter it made me just angry enough to play harder :)

today my friend Fran taught me to crochet! or at least she taught me the beginnings of how to crochet. I have managed to learn two stitches so far and im making a sassy little headband for myself. there will be more if I get faster and it remains easy peasy :) I have found my patience for handcrafts in the past has been limited, so I will run with this for as long as my excitement carries me! 

asha has this amazing ability to fall asleep - she lay her body over the couch next to me this afternoon as I mastered my stiches and although for a couple of minutes had a cheeky smile like she was pretending to sleep - she is clearly a pretty bad fake..

 

 

then last Friday I got to learn how to make sushi with the amazing Ginny at the Clevedon Family Center. these are some of the nom noms I created (and consumed) on the day. I am so inspired to get all the sushi ingredients and go for it now - it really was so simple. and that would be good given the sushi kit I was given by my sister a few yrs back. *cough cough* - time to use it for what it was actually made for!

 

and while im on food, my girls made lunch for us on the weekend. it was a feast of cake and fruit and little sandwiches. they set the table with a cloth, made place tags, had the glasses with little umbrellas. they really did a beautiful job. we feasted, and enjoyed, and I thought they were a great little hospitality team.

and we are settling in to our new place. loving the heat pump, and especially tonight as I think it might be the coldest night of our very mild to date Auckland winter - currently sitting at 7 deg, (feels like 5 deg). which reminds me of how much we are looking forward to visiting Inglewood in the school holidays to connect with friends, maybe see some snow and just have a get away as a family. and now that we no longer have to move house at Christmas, holidays away may become more of a tradition once more I hope!...

 

ok, loving you all,

Vania Xx

 

saturday night musings. post FB & move number 15

it's approximately 24hrs now since I signed out of FB. in the end, I didn't deactivate my account. I went to do so, and as I started the process, FB wanted me to pass on admin responsibilities for a couple of groups I am involved in and also for the page I have for 'pure mama'. Reuben my beloved had been telling me that de-activating was a little extreme and asking why I couldn't just stay off it..
I tried to explain
I didn't feel like I had the self-control yet. in the end, the compromise was to have him change my password and me to not know it.

this was proving very effective until this morning when I went to play music through my spotify account and realised that spotify DOES NOT WORK without logging in through your FB account. guts. I really love spotify and use it all the time in the car and when I go for a run. SO. its looking like staying off FB is very much to become a result of self-control. a decision of will. can I do it?... hmmmm. so far so good though. a brief moment tonight I wondered what the world was doing without me knowing about it, it was short lived however - phew!

and much more important news is that we have moved. again.
#15. following is a list of where Reuben and I have lived since we married in 1999.

1. august place, greenlane (5mths)
2. queens road, panmure (18mths)
3. mays rd, onehunga (3yrs)
4. mountain rd, mt wellington (9mths) Isabella born here
5. penruddocke pl, pakuranga (6mths)
6. portadown ave, pakuranga (1yr) Hannah born here
7. alma cres, papakura (4yrs) Isaiah born here
8. thorps quarry rd, clevedon (5mths) Asha born here
9. ardmore quarry rd, Ardmore (3mths)
10. thorps quarry rd (9mths)
11. north rd, clevedon (3mths)
12. thorps quarry rd (9mths)
13. north rd (3mths)
14. thorps quarry rd (2mths)
15. hyde rd, clevedon (...

the last month has been an incredibly stressful period for our whole family. the process of even deciding that YES, we were going to move again, has taken a huge emotional toll. on all of us. my 1st born is very sensitive, and of the kids has found it hardest. I think with the moves we have made over the last 3yrs she has always known that thorps quarry was our base, and that although we had to spend periods of time away, we would always return to it.

we own the home in papakura, but outgrew it. so just before asha arrived we found a beautiful rental in clevedon to move to and rented our home out. there was a catch however. the English owners are elderly and return to NZ each summer to visit family for 3mths. suitable long term houses to rent are hard to come by in clevedon where we have decided to be based, so we accepted our situation and made the most of it. in the back of our minds we waited and hoped that the home we had become attached to at thorps quarry would become long term. alas three summers passed and we had no assurance that it was not to become 4. as this long term possibility of a home at hyde rd presented itself to us just over a month ago, it seemed like we just couldn't ignore it as an option. there were complications though, and making sure this new home would work logistically surely hasn't been a simple process.

the week leading up to moving day (Friday 31st may) may well have been the most intense in - well - a long time?  on the Monday, out of about 50 possibles I was randomly selected for jury duty. charges for the case were kidnapping and robbery. the case lasted the full week - till 4.30pm Friday afternoon, when we delivered guilty verdicts on both charges. that was emotional on its own. reuben had to take the week off in order to be home with asha our 2yr old. BUT due to circumstances at work, ended up having to pull a (close to) all nighter, take her in to work with him for a morning, and work from home for much of the week. not so conducive to packing boxes right?! moving day arrived, and instead of the truck and movers arriving at 12pm as planned, they knocked on the door at 7.30am. yup. you can just imagine right?. I need not say more. off to court I went after madly packing the last of the boxes, getting the kids to school and settling asha with a friend for the day. meanwhile, the movers were doing their thing and reuben was on the computer logged into work. all of the events of that week were wrapped in a huge sense of sadness and disappointment that we had to leave this home. a place where we had invested ourselves and created memories in. not an ideal situation.

that week came close to undoing me, it came close to undoing reuben, their are some moments in that week that are best left unsaid, and put down to reactions due to huge stress.

this week just finished has felt like breathing fresh air in comparison. I feel the lightness in my heart and spirit. I notice how I don't get wound up at the slightest thing. there are cuddles and happy hearts and laughter and games emerging again. this house is very different to the last one. but this house I can unpack and give away the boxes (or even burn them!). this house is beginning to feel like a home. my home. I think there will be happy memories created within these walls. I am excited about nesting and creating and deciding how I want this space to look and feel and nurture those who come here.

and I am so grateful to God who is with me, who has been with me through every move, who has carried us through every move. the God who knows the future, who holds the past and walks with me in the present. I know I can trust him. I know he is faithful. I know he loves me. and I surrender to his plan for me and my family. as the song says. "you make all things work together for my good".

and I cant finish this post without saying thankyou. thankyou to the friends and family who have supported us, practically, emotionally, spiritually whether through packing boxes, cleaning, moving, buying me coffee, making me laugh, loving on and looking after our children so we could do what we needed to and praying for us. you are what fills my heart and I love each of you. and reuben. (just think Jerry McGuire - ok?) Xxx

my addiction

I confess. I have an addiction. and its an unhealthy one. this is a strange thing for me, because comparatively I don't think I am particularly obsessive or "addicted" to any particular substance. not smoking, alcohol, drugs, coffee, unless sugar counts? my confession? my addiction of choice happens to be social media - "facebook" to be exact.


there i said it. I don't actually want to make it out to be bigger than what it is, but the question has been raised - why? why am I going to de-activate my FB account for period of time?

the why is tied up in where I want my time, energy and focus to be. and I want it to be on my family. focused and present around my children. I want to look at them when they speak to me and hear the words they speak, feel the emotion and connect to them - rather than be connected to the electronic device in my hand. to not feel the need to be ever present in a virtual world, making sure I am not missing out on what my friend in wellington ate for lunch today. or awaiting the responses from friends to the latest photo posted. I don't want my 2yr old to pick up my phone and run to me with it saying "mama, your phone booped". or "mama, can I play on your phone" - because that's what she sees me doing so often, and thinks that's a normal play time activity for a pre-schooler. this blog post from "hands free mama" really hit home for me.

I have tried to limit myself and set boundaries for myself on when I can access FB, but I am too weak, and access is far too easy. its my own version of "crack"

I can also do without seeing the updates from friends who have had such a "fabulous time being together the other day/night" but only makes me wonder why I wasn't included in the get together. truly, FB can bring out all manner of female insecurities - and is sometimes a little bit too much like high school all over again...

there are some great things with FB however, one being the ability to connect with dear friends who aren't quite so local - and that is one of the reasons I am not making this a decision for all time. I think I will probably come back to it. and hopefully, with a few more boundaries around the way I use it - rather than allowing it to control me.

I wonder if the emotions I am experiencing now are anything like what a true addict experiences in the face of "coming down". a little bit edgy and anxious. a little unsure about what I will do without it. a little unsure how I will connect without it. a little like I need to get the biggest hit I can before I am not allowed anymore. I wonder how long the come down will take. until I don't grab my phone to check update notifications, or what this person, or that person has been doing...

in the meantime I will blog. and I might enjoy being more present with my family. imagine that...

friends

as I drove home today from work, I got a little bit reflective. 2013 has seen me and our family making some new friendships and connections with individuals and families.

two beautiful families who have recently connected with our church and we are now hanging out with them each Friday, getting to know each other and sharing our lives. and another family we meet at easter who live in New Plymouth who have really leapt into our lives and hearts in a big way. we even had them stay for two nights over the school hols just gone. and another beautiful lady I actually met at work and she inspired me to chase the idea of taking our family to totara springs at easter.

for all of these new friends, I am exceptionally grateful. my heart is full and I feel so blessed to have welcomed them into my life...

when your head just wants to explode

rough afternoon at our house today. I have had two important things to achieve today for sunday. the biggest one being assisting in preparing a tag team presentation for our church community meeting, and the other being selecting songs as I am worship leading sunday night. these things had to be achieved TODAY, as I am working tomorrow, and then sunday has two separate events planned within the day before we even get to church.

now, its not like these two things were dumped on me today. oh no. I've had - lets say  - at least three weeks for both and two of those weeks would NOT have been in the school holidays if I had got myself organised earlier. but if you know me, my best work seems to be achieved under massive time pressure - which in turn makes my head seem like its exploding. [in fact it was the multitude of time pressured deadlines on me which probably was a huge cause of my near burnout last yr, but I digress...]

just to say really that its not fair on my kids for me to try and work for a number of hours under time pressure. they deserve better from me, and certainly didn't deserve me verbally venting my frustration on them when they just needed my attention. I have a long way to go with balancing all I try to do... just glad that I managed a little outing this morning for them on their bikes to our local café, and then off to the playground.

maybe it helps to redeem today a little for my kids?

decreasing the clutter

we have moved. a lot. in our 14yrs of being married we have made 14 separate moves. in fact seven of those moves have happened in 2.5yrs. so I make claim to being somewhat of a moving expert these days. I think I should almost think about hiring myself out as a moving planner! now there's an idea...

as you can imagine, moving isn't exactly what someone chooses to do for fun. and this most recent run of moves has just turned out the way it has. for most of the year we leave in an amazing house which now feels very much like home to us, and for the other 12wks we find a summer house.

our most recent move happened 3wks ago. we moved from this years summer house back to the 'most of the year house'. today I sorted the last of the boxes and my bedroom is now looking great. (why is it my room is always the last?). I look around the house and I am aware we are living with less. much less. over the past 2.5yrs I have de-cluttered. and then de-cluttered. and sorted and thrown away and given away and the feeling is thrilling. don't get me wrong, I know there is still more "stuff" I could remove from the contents of my home. but all this clearing of possessions and stuff in order to make moving easier has such a freeing consequence to it.

I no longer feel bound to hold on to things because "I might need it one day". if I haven't used it and I don't LOVE it, then I have decided that if, by chance, I find I do need it one day, I will simply set about getting it. there is such a beauty in living more open handed, more simply and without all the stuff. not only does the stuff crowd my space, but it also ends up crowding my mind. funny how that works...

Checking in

i'm back again. its been a while. a new friend of mine has just launched her blog beautiful things and it just got me back to thinking about this blog.

I mentioned in my last post I got journaling again (around 2yrs ago now). it has been helpful and cathartic. to the point where I don't do it so often anymore. a lot has been going on and I have been learning a lot in recent months. about me. about my limits. about what burnout might look like. I am really on the road to recovery at this point. it is only retrospectively that I can see my experience from the last six months of 2012 as being as close to what I have experienced of true burnout. I have learnt about stepping back and reassessing - or at least I am learning. for a girl that has always moved at a fairly fast pace and always taken on a lot of responsibility it has been somewhat of a wake up call.

2013 has seen me take on a theme word for the year.

healthy.

that's it. healthy.

healthy body :: healthy emotions :: healthy mind :: healthy spirit :: healthy boundaries :: healthy relationships

I am currently reading a book ''Rushing Woman's Syndrome' by Dr Libby Weaver, quite eye opening to the biochemical responses our body takes on with stress. especially over a sustained period of time. I may download bits of it over time. its certainly a goodie and right on theme for this year.

I am still churning pure mama in my head. its been so long and I have had periods of thinking I will just ditch it - but the pull is still there. I am in a current period of energy for it. so. again will see where that leads me.

for now, this is enough
Xx

i'm back

well its been a while, a LONG while. here i am. no longer a mama to 2 - or 3. now a mama to 4! just wanted to check in really, i am sorting out in my head whether to re-start this blog and also start a new one - or just start a new one.

Asha, my baby just turned 1 - she is such a delight. delicious yummy baby girl. being a mama to her, isaiah, hannah & isabella remains the biggest goal AND achievement of my life. they hold my heart. i strive to be my best for them. i fail often. mother guilt is an almost daily occurrence, but i continue the journey knowing there is no where else id rather be than at home with them.

i continue to dream about having my own business, about launching pure mama. i'm not short on ideas, plans, dreams, vision. i am time poor - its easy to guess why. and spending money on a business is certainly not a priority when a young growing family of 6 is consuming much of the available resource.

i re-started journalling this year. what great therapy that has been for my mind and soul. certainly i love reading the journey my life has taken in 9 short months. i am never short on ideas - that is certain! and perhaps this might become on ideas outlet also. we'll see,

selah x

letters on the mirror

I just had my shower - a part of my nightly bed routine. When i pulled away the shower curtain, looking back at me was the letter A and a few others carefully scrawled in childs handwriting on the bottom of our bathroom mirror... and I smiled...

Pre-children I was NEVER a neat freak. Cleaning is not my thing. I like things looking nice and being clean, I just never spent ages keeping things that way. I would generally spend the week living in our home doing the basics and the house would become more and more dis-organised and cluttered and then eventually I would go crazy and spend a day cleaning up again. This was my general pattern, even from when I was a kid (just ask my parents!).

Now that we have three small children, that pattern just doesn't work anymore - or at least it does in that it takes about half a day (sometimes less) for our home to look like a small tornado (or three) has been through. I therefore find myself constantly picking up and tidying these days. My kids sometimes bear the brunt of their mothers frustration at feeling like I am a continual house cleaner. I would really like to be able to just let it go as the "experts" advise us to, but the thing is that I know I feel better in myself when my home is tidy. Maybe part of the problem, is I am now contributing only a fifth (or less) of the mess, but feel like I am responsible for cleaning it all.

So back to those letters on the mirror - this morning while I was in the bathroom putting away some toys, Isabella (now 4) comes in and asks me to "watch this mummy". She then procedes to lick her finger and then use it to begin carefully forming the lettter "A" on the mirror. My first instinct was to snap and tell her to stop dirtying the mirror - but I bit my tongue this time. She turned around and smiled at me and said " look mummy, an A". We spent the next couple of minutes with her drawing more letters on the mirror with her finger... It was great!

So when I got out of the shower tonight and saw those letters - I smiled. Because my baby is growing up and becoming so clever, because it reminded me how much I love her and because it reminded me of the moment I might I missed this morning if I hadn't bit my tongue and overcome the urge of my currently dominant "neat-freak" attitude. And I am not going to wash away those letters - yet...

Lent committment 2008

My lent commitment is to eat in a healthy manner so that I have more energy for life in all respects.

The rules are as follows:
Unlimited
· fruit and vegetables
· lean meat
· water and hot drinks
· pop corn & nuts
Limit of
· Cereal @ 1 meal per day
· Equivalent of four pieces of bread per day
Off limits
· sweets
· chocolate
· cake
· biscuits
· chips
· soda pop

the longest blog drought ends

just a few thoughts for tonight...

• Today i had cause to reflect that I have proof against the big bang theory and subsequent development of intelligent life, right here in my own home. Let it be known that order tends to chaos and in my experience NEVER the other way around...

In my recent experience

• Having your first baby is hard cause everything is new, all the babies firsts are your firsts as well.
• Having the second baby is hard also. Although you are no longer a virgin parent, now there is the juggle of two to care for
• having the third baby is largely lovely. Its now third time around, you are now a seasoned multi-tasker, and third babies have to just fit in and go with the flow of the family. And fit in they do!

Childbirth and fear

It never ceases to amaze me the way people hold such varied views on labour and birth. I was most prompted to write this post after reading a few different comments on Karla's blog. I guess this portays a highly medicalised, american view of the whole thing. I simply say American cause Karla is American (my best friend who is also amercian goes completely against this stereotype I have to say having trialled a homebirth with her first birth - sadly Rhys was posterior and rebelled against coming out the natural way. Her second birth resulted in a drug free natural delivery of a 10lb 2oz baby girl).

The thing that gets me the most is the intense fear that so many women seem to have towards childbirth.

• The fear of pain.
• The fear of "something" going wrong.
• The fear of being out of control
• The fear of the unknown

For an educated society there seems to be a whole lack of education about the whole process I have to say. We believe overall (as a western society) that hospital is the safest place to be to give birth. For a woman who has a normal pregnancy with no indications of potential complications, this simply isn't true. Fear leads to anxiety, leads to tension, leads to a decreased capacity to cope and an increase in pain felt, which then only perpetuates the cycle... There is such a thing called the cascade of intervention. When doctors intervene in what should be a natural process it is no wonder that more and more procedures are required to get a baby delivered.

Take this as an example. A womans labour is medically induced. It means that an IV line needs to be placed in the womans arm. It means that the baby is likely to be closely monitored involving the mother having to lie on a bed - which then means freedom to move and find the bodies most comfortable position for labouring is way limited. The drugs used to induce labour result in contractions stronger and more intense than if natural labour had occured... and this leads to a much increased likelihood of pain relief being used - in particular an epidural, which then comes with its own risks. Afterall having a needle inserted into ones spinal column has its dangers.

As a result of being confined to a bed being monitored, numb or at least partially numb from the waist down from an epidural, unable to use gravity and their own sense of where they are at with their labour, lends this woman to being at the mercy of the the judgements of the medical staff attending her - in my mind, completely disempowered. At this point the chance of having an emergency caesarean is greatly increased - not really suprising is it! And of course caesareans which we seem to view more and more as preferable to pushing, come with the risks that all major surgerys carry - we seem to forget this.

Don't get me wrong.

• childbirth IS painful (at least in my experience)
• sometimes things go wrong

but with support of a caring husband, midwife, and friends and lots of reading/knowledge of the birth process and other peoples positve experiences there doesn't need to be a fear of any of those things I listed at the top of this post. Childbirth is an amazing thing which we as women are privileged to experience (don't remind me of that comment of course when I am in labour!) It's the only painful experience I can recall that results in an amazing reward at the end.

I remain open to accepting medical assistance should that become absolutley necessary, but I look towards my impending labour and delivery and silently affirm my strength and ability as a woman to do what the billions of women before me have done.

I will now step down from my soap box...

p.s. the photo at the top of the post is just after giving birth to Isabella. She is probably minutes old.

Two months to go... and the increase of capacity

...and a month of no space to blog. It has been a hard month into my third trimester. Being pregnant third time round is a definite step up to the first pregnancy. Which brings me to a point of thought I have again pondered on occasion over the past 4 wks.

If I were to graciously allow a friend without children to care for my kids for... lets say for a full day, wake up to bedtime... I'm sure that by the end of it that friend would graciously hand them back and thank me for providing them with the best form of contraception available. Now I think my kids are actually pretty good generally. The fact is though that full time care of a3yr old and 21mth old (although immensely rewarding) is particularly draining at times. Add to that being pregnant and you pretty much have a recipe for exhaustion.

This is where the concept of increasing capacity comes into play. If you take the example of building aerobic capacity. An untrained person can build their ability to run further and faster by training. Starting off they may last only 5 minutes in a run, but by training regularly every week, over a period of months, it is possible to build the aerobic capacity to run a marathon.

When I relate this concept of building capacity to motherhood I see how my capacity has grown significantly already. I remember back to when Isabella was born. Everything was new, the sleep deprivation overwhelming, her first week of life the longest I have ever experienced! And shortly there will be three. When push comes to shove, I am far from the perfect mummy. I yell at my kids sometimes and have had to apologise to them on many occasions. I have much to learn and its a pity you don't get to practice parenting before the real thing. But I know that my capacity for doing the (IMHO) most important job in the world is growing and will continue to do so. When I begin to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of what will be in a short 9wks, I can remember that with God's help my capacity will increase once again. I am already gleaning training tips from friends who are walking this path with me and hopefully I can pass on to others what I learn as well.

So unpack it further if you like, Capacity and its ability to grow...

On a completely different tack, I am thinking at this point in time that Coco is a boy, and we have a first name picked and ready to roll. I guess time will tell...

x

new name

I am aware that in a short 18wks my blogs name will be invalid. I will no longer be a mama to 2, but a mama to 3. "mama to 3 (and counting)" just seems a bit silly and then I might have to change it again.

So anyone got any bright ideas for a blog rename???

Isabella's 3rd birthday and the week that was

I have to say that last week was particulaly hideous. Sunday morning (22 April) Isabella starts vomiting - and continues to do so for the rest of the day. I conceed that it is best for me and the girls not to go to church but send Reuben off at about 1pm as there are guest artists coming to play and he really needs to be there. Lots of fun cleaning up the continual spews with 18mth old Hannah "helping" me as much as she can. Monday sees Isabella wiped out and unable to attend her official first day of kindy

Needless to say Monday night cue Hannah starts vomiting about 8pm... and continues to do so for the rest of the night, finishing off at about 5am Tuesday. Sadly for her mother, Hannah seems to require no down time to recover and is as full of beans as ever. Her mother however feels like death.

Wednesday and Thursday I feel particularly bad, but thankfully no vomiting. Sadly all of Wednesdays outings are canned (being ANZAC day - a public holiday in NZ) and we continue to try and recover while Reuben does accounts all day at the computer

Friday night, joy, joy, Reuben starts vomiting and does so for rest of the night. He is then in sick/recovery mode for the following two days (at least). Saturday sees me freaking out about getting prepared for Isabella's party the next day while attending a wedding for most of the day. I prayed hard that day for lots of patience and compassion for my dealings with both my babies and husband... God really supplied my need that day with two friends being true angels.

Kristen did all my grocery shopping for the party prior to getting herself ready for the wedding (And then another quick shop on sunday morning). Truly, there would've been no food yesterday without her help. Then saturday night as I faced cleaning my home and icing the birthday cake it all went to custard again. Feeling utterly exhausted, the decorating sets pretty much disintergrated. A phone call to my neighbour Tiffany provided me with angel number 2. She came over, cake decorating set in hand, showed me how to put it all together and then set to attacking the piles of dishes in the sink. I did lament to God prior to her arrival how I wished for a dishwasher - and oh how he provided for me that night!

And I don't think the cake turned out that bad afterall!

Mum and dad, I hope you like these pics - Isabella and the rest of the whanau missed you guys yesterday! Hope you are enjoying Athens...

Isabellas birthday cake
Dora the Explorer

blowing out the candles

opening one of her birthday presents

talk about a lucky little girl with generous aunties and uncles, grandparents and even gt grandparents! This pic especially for you mum and dad (grandma and grandpop)

Today sees Reuben at home for another recovery day and fun with Isabella enjoying her real birthday day.

Coco now 21 wks - over half way! Lots of movements and I feel quite certain at present that it is another girl. This is a complete swing from 1st trimester when I felt certain it was a boy... I guess we will know in 19wks!

My Visual DNA

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lots of thoughts...

i have learnt something about myself (well maybe a few things, but here we go...). When I hear an idea, my initial response is not necessarily myfinal position. I am a ponderer. i sort through things and eventually reach a position. I have discovered three key places where all this thought takes place. they are

1. the car
2. the shower
3. my bed

i guess these are pretty much my only places without (too many) other demands encroaching on my space. I often blog in my head - perhaps they should invent some way to get a direct link or automatic download from my brain and then my blog would be really interesting.

i went to the doctor a few months back cause I was really thinking I might have cancer. All the symptoms I had in the end were explainable (thankyou God) and the doc gave me the thumbs up. but it has got me thinking about my diet.

this brings me to the next line of thoughts.. why do I eat? apart from the obvious of course!

• Mostly I think because I like the taste, i like swallowing, i like chewing...
  
• I eat because I have been trained to finish my plate (as all good mothers tell their kids).
  
• I eat because i have started mistaking thirst for hunger.
  
• I also eat because I am bored or (worst of all) because I am attempting to delay doing something I don't want to do - like folding washing, or dishes, or vacuming, or picking up toys, or blah, blah, blah. I was born to be a mother definitely not a house cleaner!

so i have decided to become deliberate about my eating. breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, maybe a last snack. i am also trying to be diligent about staying hydrated. Day 3 and going really well so far. I don't feel so stuffed/bloated...

and don't you hate it when all the blog entries you have mentally prepared disappear and you can't remember any of them when you want to write it down...

me, reub and another couple Jonathon & Dione have watched these DVD's recently on Chazown (pronounced car-zone). Basically a series based on the verse "without a vision (chazown) the people perish." Each DVD looks at something different like relationship with God, relationships with others, money, purpose etc. basically each DVD asks a similar question - "Do you have a vision for this area of your life?" It has actually been a thought changing series for me. It puts the little things into perspective of your whole life - why do we do things we do and if we look at our vision for a particular area of our life eg. great marriage, what would we have to put ion place or change to achieve it?

anyway, its far too late and my chazown for sleep tells me i need to pack up now. love ya and leave ya

x

pause, stop.

haven't been here for a while, neither have other people, maybe it feels a little safer again. blogging can be a strange thing. Can i compare it to looking at a goldfish in its bowl? like whoever reads this page is glimpsing into my thoughts and feelings.

Never been one to be completely closed off. Why would it be any different here? My heart is so often on my sleeve. I trust easily which has its bonuses but as I have experienced many times also leaves me open and vulnerable - which of course leaves me open to being hurt.

Well its nice to be back and I will visit again soon...

missed you

v

Birthday reflections

I am fast approaching a significant birthday. This Saturday I will be thirty. 3 decades old. I don't feel old. In some ways I feel like I am really just getting started... in other ways I feel haggered! As I pause to reflect...

• I have been married for seven years, nine months and four days
• I am still in love with my husband
• I have two beautiful little girls who are my world
• I, with my husband recently proud homeowners
• I appreciate and love my family more than ever
• Although I have now lost both my much loved maternal gandparents, I still have both my dear paternal grandparents
• I have some awesome friends around me who I absolutely love - I will tell you personally
  
• I have my first grey hairs amongst my head full of medium blond (I think I can track their arrival within the last year)
• My tummy has the stretch marks to show for carrying two babies
• Gravity and breastfeeding has taken its toll - I used to avoid the push up bras - didn't need them, now I say "bring it on!" (of course that's once I am rid of the maternity bras!)
  
• I need lots of moisturiser in the eye area to ease away the lines
• according to recent blood tests, my GP says I am one of his healthiest patients with a very respectable cholesterol reading (if you want to know, you will have to ask)
  
• making spontaneous plans to go out and have fun (read adult fun minus kids like shopping, movies, eating out etc...) seems like a lifetime ago
• DVD's are my version of a night out at the movies. The last time we did get to the movies was a 9pm session of "You, me and Dupree" although we only saw half of it as the sitter rang to tell us Hannah wouldn't stop crying, so we had to drive home
  
• I still reminise about the old days back at Auckland Uni, friends who I no longer know and wish I did, and others whom I am happy to have let go
  
• I still love taking hot baths at night
• I still love having my feet rubbed
• I still love summer and going to the beach
• I still love sleep ins (a much anticipated treat)
• I still love MnM's
• I am learning more and more about how much God loves me and what "Grace" really means
• I am learning more and more about how to love God and others
  

So I will now head to bed to enjoy a well earned rest. Three sleeps to go!

actions and reactions

We have been borrowing our friends car while they have been over in the states. I noticed in the passenger seat this book the other day - An Unstoppable Force - by Erwin Raphael McManus. I brought it inside to do some late night reading. I didn't get far before my eye lids got heavy but this got me thinking...

When God creates, he creates with relational integrity. Everything is connected and fits together. This is true not only in the physical realm, but even more so in the spiritual. The bible tells us that when one man sinned, all creation groaned.

Those who study science have told us that a butterfly fluttering its wings in South America could, in come sense, be the primary cause of an avalanche in Antarctica. This level of complexity strikes us as new and innovative, and yet the Scriptures have advocated this kind of interconnection for thousands of years. The idea that the sin of one man and one woman could send a disruption throughout the entire cosmos is an extroadinary description of the organic connection between all of nature.

The pulling of one piece of fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil was the primary influence of famines that spread across deserts, tsunamis that swallow up villages, earthquakes that shake the earth, and the unpredictable force and violence of nature. According to scripture, everything is connected, and every action has at least some effect on the whole.

Its the last sentence that especially grabs me.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been going through the process of meeting with prospective employers and trying to figure out how going back to work (part time) will pan out. At first it seemed relatively straightforward as Reuben was working from home and so he could care for our two babies while I was at work. (My only concern was the fact that I am still breast feeding a fairly mummy dependent 11mth old - and how would she cope). Then Reuben started his current contract which meant I had to look at either working nights/weekends OR find alternative childcare.

As I reflected on it, I became more and more uneasy. Theres so many factors to take into consideration, and I don't have energy write now to type it out. My decision which ever way will affect so many different things - in my life, my husbands life, my childrens lives... But for now it doesn't feel right for us...

So I contacted the guy and told him...

no.