my addiction

I confess. I have an addiction. and its an unhealthy one. this is a strange thing for me, because comparatively I don't think I am particularly obsessive or "addicted" to any particular substance. not smoking, alcohol, drugs, coffee, unless sugar counts? my confession? my addiction of choice happens to be social media - "facebook" to be exact.


there i said it. I don't actually want to make it out to be bigger than what it is, but the question has been raised - why? why am I going to de-activate my FB account for period of time?

the why is tied up in where I want my time, energy and focus to be. and I want it to be on my family. focused and present around my children. I want to look at them when they speak to me and hear the words they speak, feel the emotion and connect to them - rather than be connected to the electronic device in my hand. to not feel the need to be ever present in a virtual world, making sure I am not missing out on what my friend in wellington ate for lunch today. or awaiting the responses from friends to the latest photo posted. I don't want my 2yr old to pick up my phone and run to me with it saying "mama, your phone booped". or "mama, can I play on your phone" - because that's what she sees me doing so often, and thinks that's a normal play time activity for a pre-schooler. this blog post from "hands free mama" really hit home for me.

I have tried to limit myself and set boundaries for myself on when I can access FB, but I am too weak, and access is far too easy. its my own version of "crack"

I can also do without seeing the updates from friends who have had such a "fabulous time being together the other day/night" but only makes me wonder why I wasn't included in the get together. truly, FB can bring out all manner of female insecurities - and is sometimes a little bit too much like high school all over again...

there are some great things with FB however, one being the ability to connect with dear friends who aren't quite so local - and that is one of the reasons I am not making this a decision for all time. I think I will probably come back to it. and hopefully, with a few more boundaries around the way I use it - rather than allowing it to control me.

I wonder if the emotions I am experiencing now are anything like what a true addict experiences in the face of "coming down". a little bit edgy and anxious. a little unsure about what I will do without it. a little unsure how I will connect without it. a little like I need to get the biggest hit I can before I am not allowed anymore. I wonder how long the come down will take. until I don't grab my phone to check update notifications, or what this person, or that person has been doing...

in the meantime I will blog. and I might enjoy being more present with my family. imagine that...

when your head just wants to explode

rough afternoon at our house today. I have had two important things to achieve today for sunday. the biggest one being assisting in preparing a tag team presentation for our church community meeting, and the other being selecting songs as I am worship leading sunday night. these things had to be achieved TODAY, as I am working tomorrow, and then sunday has two separate events planned within the day before we even get to church.

now, its not like these two things were dumped on me today. oh no. I've had - lets say  - at least three weeks for both and two of those weeks would NOT have been in the school holidays if I had got myself organised earlier. but if you know me, my best work seems to be achieved under massive time pressure - which in turn makes my head seem like its exploding. [in fact it was the multitude of time pressured deadlines on me which probably was a huge cause of my near burnout last yr, but I digress...]

just to say really that its not fair on my kids for me to try and work for a number of hours under time pressure. they deserve better from me, and certainly didn't deserve me verbally venting my frustration on them when they just needed my attention. I have a long way to go with balancing all I try to do... just glad that I managed a little outing this morning for them on their bikes to our local café, and then off to the playground.

maybe it helps to redeem today a little for my kids?

Loving this!

biting more than we can chew

I have been processing this post internally for the past few weeks. I have a few different angles and maybe this will have to be a few posts in the end.

When Hannah was a newborn (shes now 10mths) and Isabella 17mths, my mum made a somewhat passing comment comparing mothers today and mothers back in the day when she was getting amongst with nappies and such. It was along the lines of how being at home and being a fulltime mum (to babies/toddlers) was considered a fulltime job - hence they didn't take on extra commitments and responsibilities outside of that.

Now the comment was made in a supportive and concerned way. She was suggesting the reason I was feeling completely overwhelmed was because she I was attempting to bite way to much more than I could chew. Of course I was quite disagreeable to this idea that I was overdoing things... however I have been mulling over this comment ever since.

I sense there is an expectation now that we can do it all. We get to the point in our lives when we start to have babies and think nothing else has to give. Sure, we give ourselves a mandatory 12 wk period off when baby arrives - from work or ministry, and then relaunch ourselves. Some go back to work, sometimes finances forcing their hand, juggling childcare and a career; others stay at home, taking on the fulltime childcare and household responsibility - a job we never "go home" from.

And I have to say it - it is probably those of us who have been highly motivated, high achievers, highly involved that have the most pressure to get back to it. And the pressure is mostly internal I think.

I think society has changed dramatically over the past 30yrs. Our lives are more complex and busy. As great as the feminist movement has been in some areas, it has made things really suck for women in other areas. Sure, we should expect to face internal questions about our changing role as we face motherhood, but why should we feel guilty, lazy or less significant when we contemplate letting go of some of the other stuff we do.

I've discovered I am not superwoman, although I suspect I will keep trying to be... I suspect my mum is right - some of us have ridiculous expectations of ourselves. We are trying to do too much - and we're paying the price... more on that later...

Oh, the responsibilty

I love my two little girls. Becoming pregnant with Isabella (our eldest at 2yrs) was like fulfillment of a dream for me (not the pregnant part, more the starting the family part...). Nothing prepared me for the depth of love I would have for them. I love them sooooo much. In fact it wasn't until they came along that I had any comprehension of how my own parents must consider me.

I want to grow my sweet little girls into self-confident young women. I want them to know how much worth they hold, how beautiful they are and how much their heavenly father loves them also. I want them to have excellent judgement of character, to discern between right and wrong and then to make great choices. I want them to love God and to have compassion for others. the list of dreams I have for them goes on. I am praying for their future husbands already - afterall, they may be little toddlers themselves (we do have arrangements with a certain young mans parents for one of our daughters, but I guess the kids may have to have the last say in that arrangment!).

As Isabella is becoming so much more like a little person (rather than a baby), I have noticed her experiencing new emotions (beyond, frustrastion, happy, sad...). I have noticed facial expressions I would describe as hurt. On the occassion I snap at her, for no valid reason, or am grumpy and projecting it to her, or take her to time out when perhaps I have misunderstood the situation and she was just trying to help. I see her little face crumble and it breaks my heart. I know it can't be expected that any parent will be perfect, but I find the responsibility hefty.

midwives & the media

Have been thinking about the way midwives are getting trashed in the media at the moment in NZ. I was pretty frustrated after watching 60 minutes on TV3 last monday at the biased & factually incorrect information that was being relayed to mr & ms general public. They had two tragic cases of babies who had died during childbirth and whom had midwives as their LMC's (that's lead maternity carers). 60mins angle was that midwifery care is insufficient, unsafe and that women should be birthing in hospitals with obstetricians (that's baby/mum doctors) running the show. Sad how the tragic, isolated cases call into question the whole system. I guess it is the longing to be able to place blame at the foot of someone or something. Completely understandable although possibly misguided. Just as my experience shouldn't dictate how others should choose to birth, neither should theirs. The program talked about how by medicalising birth (think early 20th century) they made it so much safer for women and how perhaps we should revisit doctors having control over pregnancy, labour and birth. (see note at the bottom...)

During my first pregnancy, i did a whole lot of reading about labour etc trying to get myself prepared. (check out http://www.homebirth.org.uk/) What I found is a whole lot of evidence that giving birth in hospital is not necessarily safer (for someone sho has a normal healthy pregnancy) and can actually be less safe than birthing at home! (yes I know, heresy isn't it!) We (me and Reuben) meet our midwife Rhonda when we were 24wks pregnant (had to dump the first one as it just wasn't working, but that's another story). As the weeks passed and we got to know her, we become more and more confident in her ability to care for us as a family and most importantly to ensure a healthy baby & mummy at the end of it all. She gave me confidence in my ability to do what billions of women before me have done.

And yes, we did it - twice now! Without the need for doctors, drugs & sterile rooms. So here's to midwives, who work long unreliable hours, who are on call 24/7 and who on the whole do an amazing job.

note... when we started telling people we were considering home birth, naturally we had significant numbers of less than favourable opinions handed to us, including from my mother and grandmother. not that suprising given their birth experiences. Both experienced highly medicalised births. My mums 5 deliveries (1970's & 80's) including high forceps x 2, caesareans x 2, epidurals, inductions, being shaved, enemas etc, nice... My Grandmas 3 births (1950's) under general anaesthetic (one can only imagine how they got those babies out!). The funny thing was when Grandma realised that her mother (my gt grandma) who gave birth in the 1920's had two successful births at... home - with a midwife! oh how things come about...