so after my first two blogs came thick and fast there's been a lull. and i've gone down hill. I have been tempted to get up and write at about 11pm for the last two nights, to wade through the mind mess, but I haven't. My friend has been trying to keep me accountable to going to bed at a reasonable hour so it was really her influence that stopped me - or it could have been the fact that i was just too shattered..
the back of my eyes feel wet and yet still too dry. i want tears to come out of them and to feel the release that comes from letting out emotion.
i don't want my grandma to die(now the tears are coming out and i can't see the computer properly) i'm not ready. she's not meant to die now.but i see her and shes not the same.i'm sick of well meaning friends telling me they hope for her sake it doesn't take much longer and that it would be better for her, for this part to go fast.easy words spoken with well meant compassion but they make me want to hurl.some moments i just want to open my mouth up and screw my eyes shut and throw my head back and scream and scream and scream...in fact i kind of did that yesterday. what with one baby screaming and the other having a tired tanty (while trying to change her nappy), a headache and sleep deprivation (my sleeping has gone mental again) i lost it for a moment. when i finished having my moment i looked down at miss almost two and she was gazing at me with an expression as if to say "what the crap?.." (it did stop the tanty!)
and right now i feel a little better.this outburst has cleared some saddness for the now. maybe i need an annonymous blog for all of this, or maybe this is okay. just keeping it real...
3 comments:
Honset reflection is good for the soul, and for your friends that are around you.
I hope this won't sound patronising or pat or obvious.
But, I think you're grieving.
I don't know if that makes it more bearable, but we often assume grief happens after a crisis. In my experience it can happen slowly and painfully as we walk through our own "shadow" alongside our loved one.
All I'm really saying is: your reaction is very normal - no less difficult because of that - but human love expressing its depth through grief.
Hey Vania,
Was just reading Paul Windsor's latest blog, and it made me think of you. Check it out at:
http://www.carey.ac.nz/pauls_blog/
As Jonathan said, sometimes it really is better to just be honest with God about how we really feel. It was good enough for Jesus.
Arohanui
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