Flawed...

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am a mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reasuurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

C. S. Lewis

Birthday reflections

I am fast approaching a significant birthday. This Saturday I will be thirty. 3 decades old. I don't feel old. In some ways I feel like I am really just getting started... in other ways I feel haggered! As I pause to reflect...

• I have been married for seven years, nine months and four days
• I am still in love with my husband
• I have two beautiful little girls who are my world
• I, with my husband recently proud homeowners
• I appreciate and love my family more than ever
• Although I have now lost both my much loved maternal gandparents, I still have both my dear paternal grandparents
• I have some awesome friends around me who I absolutely love - I will tell you personally
  
• I have my first grey hairs amongst my head full of medium blond (I think I can track their arrival within the last year)
• My tummy has the stretch marks to show for carrying two babies
• Gravity and breastfeeding has taken its toll - I used to avoid the push up bras - didn't need them, now I say "bring it on!" (of course that's once I am rid of the maternity bras!)
  
• I need lots of moisturiser in the eye area to ease away the lines
• according to recent blood tests, my GP says I am one of his healthiest patients with a very respectable cholesterol reading (if you want to know, you will have to ask)
  
• making spontaneous plans to go out and have fun (read adult fun minus kids like shopping, movies, eating out etc...) seems like a lifetime ago
• DVD's are my version of a night out at the movies. The last time we did get to the movies was a 9pm session of "You, me and Dupree" although we only saw half of it as the sitter rang to tell us Hannah wouldn't stop crying, so we had to drive home
  
• I still reminise about the old days back at Auckland Uni, friends who I no longer know and wish I did, and others whom I am happy to have let go
  
• I still love taking hot baths at night
• I still love having my feet rubbed
• I still love summer and going to the beach
• I still love sleep ins (a much anticipated treat)
• I still love MnM's
• I am learning more and more about how much God loves me and what "Grace" really means
• I am learning more and more about how to love God and others
  

So I will now head to bed to enjoy a well earned rest. Three sleeps to go!

just so you know...

For those of you who don't bother to check anymore, Reuben has had some time on his hands at his new job - and has posted!

actions and reactions

We have been borrowing our friends car while they have been over in the states. I noticed in the passenger seat this book the other day - An Unstoppable Force - by Erwin Raphael McManus. I brought it inside to do some late night reading. I didn't get far before my eye lids got heavy but this got me thinking...

When God creates, he creates with relational integrity. Everything is connected and fits together. This is true not only in the physical realm, but even more so in the spiritual. The bible tells us that when one man sinned, all creation groaned.

Those who study science have told us that a butterfly fluttering its wings in South America could, in come sense, be the primary cause of an avalanche in Antarctica. This level of complexity strikes us as new and innovative, and yet the Scriptures have advocated this kind of interconnection for thousands of years. The idea that the sin of one man and one woman could send a disruption throughout the entire cosmos is an extroadinary description of the organic connection between all of nature.

The pulling of one piece of fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil was the primary influence of famines that spread across deserts, tsunamis that swallow up villages, earthquakes that shake the earth, and the unpredictable force and violence of nature. According to scripture, everything is connected, and every action has at least some effect on the whole.

Its the last sentence that especially grabs me.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been going through the process of meeting with prospective employers and trying to figure out how going back to work (part time) will pan out. At first it seemed relatively straightforward as Reuben was working from home and so he could care for our two babies while I was at work. (My only concern was the fact that I am still breast feeding a fairly mummy dependent 11mth old - and how would she cope). Then Reuben started his current contract which meant I had to look at either working nights/weekends OR find alternative childcare.

As I reflected on it, I became more and more uneasy. Theres so many factors to take into consideration, and I don't have energy write now to type it out. My decision which ever way will affect so many different things - in my life, my husbands life, my childrens lives... But for now it doesn't feel right for us...

So I contacted the guy and told him...

no.

eating the apple & epidurals

So... I had part of a conversation a couple of days ago and would love to know what you think...

It went like this..

OTHER: "did you know epidurals take away all the pain so giving birth doesn't hurt"

ME: "yeah, but the pain has a purpose"

OTHER: "whatever, the pain is because adam and eve ate the apple"

the conversation continued with me giving my opinion of why I don't like epidurals as a standard form of pain relief. (don't do a knee jerk - I realise sometimes they are necessary...)

God intended birth to be pain free, (or at least different to how we experience it) but as a result of the fall, it is not. Therefore, is having an epidural (and therefore reduced labour pains, simply experiencing birth as God intended???

theres a thought...

Does it exist?

I led worship at cession tonight. Anyway, pre-service I was trying to find a passage in the bible that talks about God inhabiting or dwelling the praises of his people. I asked a few people who have have good knowledge of the bible and they couldn't remember. I rang my dad and asked him to look for it.. he searched the net to find the reference for me and he couldn't find it. I searched my NIV concordance last night - and couldn't find it...

I'm starting to wonder if it exists! Or is it one of those phrases that we have all heard so often that we simply believe it to be scripture?

Ten points to anyone that can find the reference and post it for me!!!

Lets get excited

A special friend of mine is due to have her baby on my birthday. There is something extra special for me about this awaited delivery, as she has asked me to be her 2nd support person as she labours and gives birth - something I am really looking forward to doing. We hung out yesterday and she showed me the babies room and we chatted about the final things she needed to buy and then went shopping at baby factory.

There seems to be something really special about 1st babies. Its the first for the mum and dad, and the first junior for friends and family to enjoy. We found people came out of the woodwork and showered us with gifts and well wishes before and after Isabella was born. Some people we recieved cards and gifts from I hadn't even met. Seemed kind of strange at the time. Lovely all the same.

When Hannah came along there were still well wishes and lovely gifts, but a noticeable difference from baby no. 1's arrival. Having only 17mths gap between them also brought varied comments. Not such the jubilant celebration as when we announced Isabellas imminent arrival. There were a few kind of rude comments actually... Having only a 17mth gap is apparently not a good decision according to some.

Another of my friends whose two children are the same age as Isabella & Hannah, is expecting her third. She will for a few weeks have 3 under 3. This gets me to the point of the post.

She is almost out of her 1st trimester, and has not told many people that she is expecting. This isn't because she is trying to keep it a secret. Its actually because she is avoiding the awful, hurtful comments that seem to flow from many friends and family when they hear the news. Their issue? In their opinion 3 kids is too many... the gap is too close... its going to be too difficult.

In truth it took her a few days to get used to the idea. She is finding it hard going being pregnant and having two littlies to care for - I don't imagine it will get alot easier in the short term either. The point is though, this is a new life, a perhaps unexpected yet now welcomed addition to their family. Why should she feel ashamed to tell people about being pregnant? She's not asking for anyone else to step in and look after her kids for her.

I guess I just relate cause I can imagine the comments that would come if I were walking in her shoes. So what am I trying to say?

• Every baby is special regardless of whether its a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th...
• Why not celebrate news of an expected baby and therefore be offering support to the parents to be.
  
• hold back on the judgemental comments.

Thats really it I think - We are not expecting baby no.3 (as far as we are aware!). But when we are we will look forward to it, so please, be excited for us, as I am for both of my friends above...

Stanmore Bay

Took these pics on a recent visit to the "beach house" at Stanmore Bay. The place belonged to my Grandparents. I spent many long summers days and nights here. Sadly, it will be auctioned soon. This was kind of like a goodbye visit. I love this place...

thanks God

We get down to scraping the barrell again and waiting for work to come through in time and yet again God proves his faithfulness. A 3-5 mth contract for reuben. And given the job less than 24hrs from first application to the recruitment agency.

My God is an Awesome God.

the wonderful sacrum...

I started this post as a comment to Franks blog and then decided just to post it on my own blog as it was getting a little lengthy... Being a physio who has worked with clients who are pregnant and having taught part of antenatal classes i just couldn't help myself... sorry.

So I'd love to know exactly what Franks childbirth educator said about the wonderful sacrum.

Here goes the anatomy lesson. The spine is divided into different sections - Cervical (basically the neck), Thoracic (ribs attach to these 12 vertebrae), Lumbar (low back), Sacrum (base of the spine) and coccyx (tailbone). The Sacrum attaches on each side to the ilium, or pelvis. You can work out where this is by checking for the two dimples at the top of your butt.These two joints are called your sacroiliac joints (SIJ). The pelvis joins again at the front which is called the pubic symphysis joint. These three joints are pretty much the strongest joints in your body - have to be really!

As far as I'm aware, it is actually the coccyx (tailbone) that does most of the flexing and moving during birth. So by adopting different positions (I can hear Frank giggling ;o) the baby passes through the pelvis more easily. The SI Joints and pubic symphysis joints are softened during pregnancy by the hormone relaxin. This allows for the pelvis itself to stretch and give a little to assist with allowing the babies head through the pelvic outlet. So although the sacrum is a big part of all of this, it isn't the main event (so to speak).

As a side issue, my main personal pregnancy issue with Isabella & Hannah has been as a result of those softened pelvic joints. Dysfunction with these joints can cause lots of pain with walking, rolling in bed, getting up out of chairs, wallking up stairs etc etc... and it can take a while to come right. I still can't go for a short run without suffering the consequences afterwards... thats 10mths later...

life stress test

I know - this is ridiculous! 3 posts in less than 24hrs!

I decided to do this test on life stress events. It gets you to check off different stressful life events that you have experienced over the past year and then gives you a score which indicates how at risk you are of succumbing to stress related illness.

If you score more than 200, you have a 50% chance of becoming seriously ill from stress. If you score 300 or more, your chance increases to 80%. Those who clock fewer than 150 life change units have very little chance of developing serious illness due to stress in the next few years. About one person out of 10 with a total less than 150 will become ill over the next year due to stress.

here's my results...

Your Stress Test Score Results

Your score is 339

According to the Holmes & Rahe* statistical prediction model your score means a significant amount of life change and a significant susceptability (about 80% probability) to stress-related illness. However please keep in mind that there are many variables that interact on health including positive factors such as support from family, friends or work associates. If you are concerned about your stress levels then you should seek the assistance of a qualified counsellor or health practitioner.

Holmes TH & Rahe, RH (1967) The Social Readjustment Scale, Journal of Psychomatic Research, 11, 213-218

hmmmmmm, interesting... no wonder I felt like an overfilled balloon waiting to pop!

last nights visitor

two young up and coming artists (aged 16 & 18) paid us a visit last night. Sadly Reuben was out at the time so couldn't personally show his appreciation. Luckily they will get credit for their artistic flair though as a neighbour spotted them in action and called their fan club (a.k.a. "police"). If only they knew how famous their art work is now!

biting more than we can chew

I have been processing this post internally for the past few weeks. I have a few different angles and maybe this will have to be a few posts in the end.

When Hannah was a newborn (shes now 10mths) and Isabella 17mths, my mum made a somewhat passing comment comparing mothers today and mothers back in the day when she was getting amongst with nappies and such. It was along the lines of how being at home and being a fulltime mum (to babies/toddlers) was considered a fulltime job - hence they didn't take on extra commitments and responsibilities outside of that.

Now the comment was made in a supportive and concerned way. She was suggesting the reason I was feeling completely overwhelmed was because she I was attempting to bite way to much more than I could chew. Of course I was quite disagreeable to this idea that I was overdoing things... however I have been mulling over this comment ever since.

I sense there is an expectation now that we can do it all. We get to the point in our lives when we start to have babies and think nothing else has to give. Sure, we give ourselves a mandatory 12 wk period off when baby arrives - from work or ministry, and then relaunch ourselves. Some go back to work, sometimes finances forcing their hand, juggling childcare and a career; others stay at home, taking on the fulltime childcare and household responsibility - a job we never "go home" from.

And I have to say it - it is probably those of us who have been highly motivated, high achievers, highly involved that have the most pressure to get back to it. And the pressure is mostly internal I think.

I think society has changed dramatically over the past 30yrs. Our lives are more complex and busy. As great as the feminist movement has been in some areas, it has made things really suck for women in other areas. Sure, we should expect to face internal questions about our changing role as we face motherhood, but why should we feel guilty, lazy or less significant when we contemplate letting go of some of the other stuff we do.

I've discovered I am not superwoman, although I suspect I will keep trying to be... I suspect my mum is right - some of us have ridiculous expectations of ourselves. We are trying to do too much - and we're paying the price... more on that later...

Hannahs week of firsts

Last week was a week of firsts for Hannah. She's almost 10 months (on the 8th) and as cute as they come (at least that's what I think). I would describe her as a pretty laid back girl. She's happy to chill out and not that fussed to get moving - which I am kind of grateful for. The longer you know exactly where they are the better! So 10 days ago she got those little arms and legs co ordinated and started crawling. And now instead of getting upset when there is no one in the room to talk to and watch, she just follows us around the house. Then a day later I was fishing some paper out of her mouth (her favourite place for storing all matter of things) and discovered her first tooth just coming through her little gummies. I think the next one is well on its way as she was fairly grumpy the next couple of days.

yay for the firsts! not long till the first birthday - can you believe it!

Holy Discontent

Last year (about September if my memory is correct) I heard a message from Bill Hybels that he preached at the willow creek convention. One of the messages really stuck out to me. I still think about it in fact.

He talked about 'Holy Discontent' (HD from here on...) and discovering what your personal HD is. From his description, I remember a persons HD being the thing that absolutely breaks them (tears their heart apart) and moves them to act. SO an example might be someone who decides to work at the SPCA because they can't bear animal cruelty. This person is "broken" by animal abuse and chooses to actively do something about it. Your HD could be a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g... If you stop to think about it, you can work out what some peoples HD is easily.

I keep coming back to the question "What is MY Holy Discontent?" What breaks MY heart? What tears ME up inside? What makes ME churn? What prompts me to act?

Its been aparent for a while now that cases in the media of child abuse REALLY get to me. The current story in NZ about the Kahui twins really rips my heart. As I watched one news report on it and talked to my husband about it, the tears flowed freely. Or Children starving and dying cause they don't have food, drink or medicine. Nothing else seems to touch me quite as much as this does. So is this my HD? Or is this and area that touches me more at the moment because I have two small children of my own?

And what about being prompted to action? We sponser two kids through tear fund - have done for many years... but action in NZ needs to be more than just money? what can i do? thoughts anyone??

In the meantime will keep dialoguing with God about it and keep exposing myself to stories in the media / real life. Perhaps I haven't yet been broken enough?...

my little rock star!

Showing great microphone technique already with the support of her groupie - "baby"
credit to Melissa for the great pics!

She also is developing some beautiful little manners - at the moment we don't just get "thankyou", we get "thanku vee much", so very cute!

netball and achy joints

so I have been asked to play netball again. I was going to play for this team at the beginning of the year (when I was 3mths postnatal after Hannah birth). But after going to the first training in FebruaryI was in pain for two days with a sore pelvis and hips. So that was the end of that!

[I had pelvic arthropathy in both pregnacies which takes a while to resolve sometimes. I was feeling the ache now and again up until about 6 weeks ago when I broke my toe. This meant no going out for long walks for a period and as a result no achy pelvis or hips.]

so back to the netball... I got the call up to go play cause the team have lost their shooter to injury. i was actually kind of excited at the prospect having watched the national bank cup semi-finals in the last week and feeling the yearn to play. The coach told me to come to their training if I could as she wanted to do some half court so the girls could get used to playing with me. so after finally settling hannah to bed I set off and arrived at the courts by 8.15pm. their training finishes at 8.45pm so time was limited. I did a small warm up of a few laps and a few active stretches and then played half court for 20mins. It was fun to be back!

Anyway, walking back to the car I could feel it already, and for the next 24hrs my hips and pelvic joints once again ached.

Long story short... Its worth it for the while. I love playing, I miss playing, and the game is on saturday... bring it!

the leaking balloon

Its funny. I have started to notice in the last two days a feeling I haven't experienced for so so long (at least eight months). Like a weight is starting to lift, like I am perhaps beginning to gain control of my world.

(I write this with trepidation, that I might easily lose control again)

I feel like a balloon that has been blown up really tight and left for way too long, but now the air is slowly escaping,

and it feels good...

Oh, the responsibilty

I love my two little girls. Becoming pregnant with Isabella (our eldest at 2yrs) was like fulfillment of a dream for me (not the pregnant part, more the starting the family part...). Nothing prepared me for the depth of love I would have for them. I love them sooooo much. In fact it wasn't until they came along that I had any comprehension of how my own parents must consider me.

I want to grow my sweet little girls into self-confident young women. I want them to know how much worth they hold, how beautiful they are and how much their heavenly father loves them also. I want them to have excellent judgement of character, to discern between right and wrong and then to make great choices. I want them to love God and to have compassion for others. the list of dreams I have for them goes on. I am praying for their future husbands already - afterall, they may be little toddlers themselves (we do have arrangements with a certain young mans parents for one of our daughters, but I guess the kids may have to have the last say in that arrangment!).

As Isabella is becoming so much more like a little person (rather than a baby), I have noticed her experiencing new emotions (beyond, frustrastion, happy, sad...). I have noticed facial expressions I would describe as hurt. On the occassion I snap at her, for no valid reason, or am grumpy and projecting it to her, or take her to time out when perhaps I have misunderstood the situation and she was just trying to help. I see her little face crumble and it breaks my heart. I know it can't be expected that any parent will be perfect, but I find the responsibility hefty.

advocating for homebirth

interesting article in the NZ herald today about Britian urging mothers-to-be to give birth at home. Caught my eye...