noisy birds...

I got home tonight from pre-season Netball training about 8pm to find Isabella cuddled up with Reuben in the lounge. I was informed by miss two and a half that the "birds are too noisy mama, they need to go to sleep in their nest". Thinking this was the best excuse ever for not going to bed I went into her room and listened quietly... sure enough, there's some noisy birds outside her bedroom.

maybe i should be asking them to be quiet in the morning as well!

Oasis beauty

I have recently bought my own small business. It is with Oasis beauty NZ Ltd. They make stunning products for face, hair and body, fragrances, baby products - all free from unnecessary chemicals, cheap fillers and suspected carcinogens. Instead, Oasis products contain the highest quality cold-pressed oils, vitamins, botanicals, fruit extracts and pure essential oils. And they focus on the product not the packaging - so the prices are crazily affordable... If you want to know more, check out the website.

They sell direct to the public - not in shops, so if you want to order anything, ask me!

Africa and ER

so i was watching ER on Monday night and it brought me to tears. The whole episode was in Africa as Dr Pratt has gone over to help in a small makeshift hospital in Ganfur. He is confronted at one point in the episode with an African mother and her baby. I missed the actual problem with the child, but the jist was that they could not afford the time and resources necessary to save her baby. It was a basic medical condition - could have been due to dehydration/starvation. The doctors therefore had a nurse translate to the mother that they were sorry, they could do no more for her child. From there she simply had to wait and watch her child die.

I know that it was ER. This is a show for our entertainment. What got me though, what moved me to tears was the reality of the situation. That every day, every hour, mothers (and fathers) in Africa (and other parts of the world) must watch their children fade away in front of them for no good reason.

It made me angry. It made me intensely sad, It made me want to fly to Africa and be with those mothers. To bring them help, to bring them food, water and medicine. To save their babies and to spare them the pain of their loss.

How does compassion a million miles away outwork itself?

thoughts?

decorating the christmas tree...

Hannah cute as can be (13 months)

Isabella (2 1/2) doing a beautiful job hanging the decorations

All done (or should I say Dunn!)

Happy Christmas!

lots of thoughts...

i have learnt something about myself (well maybe a few things, but here we go...). When I hear an idea, my initial response is not necessarily myfinal position. I am a ponderer. i sort through things and eventually reach a position. I have discovered three key places where all this thought takes place. they are

1. the car
2. the shower
3. my bed

i guess these are pretty much my only places without (too many) other demands encroaching on my space. I often blog in my head - perhaps they should invent some way to get a direct link or automatic download from my brain and then my blog would be really interesting.

i went to the doctor a few months back cause I was really thinking I might have cancer. All the symptoms I had in the end were explainable (thankyou God) and the doc gave me the thumbs up. but it has got me thinking about my diet.

this brings me to the next line of thoughts.. why do I eat? apart from the obvious of course!

• Mostly I think because I like the taste, i like swallowing, i like chewing...
  
• I eat because I have been trained to finish my plate (as all good mothers tell their kids).
  
• I eat because i have started mistaking thirst for hunger.
  
• I also eat because I am bored or (worst of all) because I am attempting to delay doing something I don't want to do - like folding washing, or dishes, or vacuming, or picking up toys, or blah, blah, blah. I was born to be a mother definitely not a house cleaner!

so i have decided to become deliberate about my eating. breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, maybe a last snack. i am also trying to be diligent about staying hydrated. Day 3 and going really well so far. I don't feel so stuffed/bloated...

and don't you hate it when all the blog entries you have mentally prepared disappear and you can't remember any of them when you want to write it down...

me, reub and another couple Jonathon & Dione have watched these DVD's recently on Chazown (pronounced car-zone). Basically a series based on the verse "without a vision (chazown) the people perish." Each DVD looks at something different like relationship with God, relationships with others, money, purpose etc. basically each DVD asks a similar question - "Do you have a vision for this area of your life?" It has actually been a thought changing series for me. It puts the little things into perspective of your whole life - why do we do things we do and if we look at our vision for a particular area of our life eg. great marriage, what would we have to put ion place or change to achieve it?

anyway, its far too late and my chazown for sleep tells me i need to pack up now. love ya and leave ya

x

pause, stop.

haven't been here for a while, neither have other people, maybe it feels a little safer again. blogging can be a strange thing. Can i compare it to looking at a goldfish in its bowl? like whoever reads this page is glimpsing into my thoughts and feelings.

Never been one to be completely closed off. Why would it be any different here? My heart is so often on my sleeve. I trust easily which has its bonuses but as I have experienced many times also leaves me open and vulnerable - which of course leaves me open to being hurt.

Well its nice to be back and I will visit again soon...

missed you

v

Photo diary - a year in review.

My baby will be 1yr old on sunday (8th October). It has gone so fast! here is a photo diary up to 9mths. I will post some one year pics after sunday... Hannah is such a character you wouldn't believe! We are certainly in love with her...

This is Hannah approx 1hr old. She was born at home in a birthing pool after a marathon effort from her mother. Hannahs head was OT (basically sideways which meant the birth was a little more ** than it could have been if she was in the right position!Her full name is Hannah Grace Hiringa Dunn. Hiringa means endurance in Maori and we decided this was quite appropriate for our little rascalia! Reuben my husband is dressing her for the first time in this shot. She looks so little! For the record she weighed 8lb 12oz and was 54cm long.

Hannah 12 days old, the hands belong to her beautiful gt grandma (she was diagnosed with cancer approx 2 wks after this photo was taken and died 5mths later).

my little monkey - 7wks old

sleeping on the job - and my haven't those little legs filled out. how cute!... (11wks old)

Hannah posing it up for mama at 7mths

Hannah's cheeky grin (9mths old)

I often thank God for this beautiful little girl. We are so blessed to have her.

Wow, God is so good...

Flawed...

All this flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am a mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reasuurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

C. S. Lewis

Birthday reflections

I am fast approaching a significant birthday. This Saturday I will be thirty. 3 decades old. I don't feel old. In some ways I feel like I am really just getting started... in other ways I feel haggered! As I pause to reflect...

• I have been married for seven years, nine months and four days
• I am still in love with my husband
• I have two beautiful little girls who are my world
• I, with my husband recently proud homeowners
• I appreciate and love my family more than ever
• Although I have now lost both my much loved maternal gandparents, I still have both my dear paternal grandparents
• I have some awesome friends around me who I absolutely love - I will tell you personally
  
• I have my first grey hairs amongst my head full of medium blond (I think I can track their arrival within the last year)
• My tummy has the stretch marks to show for carrying two babies
• Gravity and breastfeeding has taken its toll - I used to avoid the push up bras - didn't need them, now I say "bring it on!" (of course that's once I am rid of the maternity bras!)
  
• I need lots of moisturiser in the eye area to ease away the lines
• according to recent blood tests, my GP says I am one of his healthiest patients with a very respectable cholesterol reading (if you want to know, you will have to ask)
  
• making spontaneous plans to go out and have fun (read adult fun minus kids like shopping, movies, eating out etc...) seems like a lifetime ago
• DVD's are my version of a night out at the movies. The last time we did get to the movies was a 9pm session of "You, me and Dupree" although we only saw half of it as the sitter rang to tell us Hannah wouldn't stop crying, so we had to drive home
  
• I still reminise about the old days back at Auckland Uni, friends who I no longer know and wish I did, and others whom I am happy to have let go
  
• I still love taking hot baths at night
• I still love having my feet rubbed
• I still love summer and going to the beach
• I still love sleep ins (a much anticipated treat)
• I still love MnM's
• I am learning more and more about how much God loves me and what "Grace" really means
• I am learning more and more about how to love God and others
  

So I will now head to bed to enjoy a well earned rest. Three sleeps to go!

just so you know...

For those of you who don't bother to check anymore, Reuben has had some time on his hands at his new job - and has posted!

actions and reactions

We have been borrowing our friends car while they have been over in the states. I noticed in the passenger seat this book the other day - An Unstoppable Force - by Erwin Raphael McManus. I brought it inside to do some late night reading. I didn't get far before my eye lids got heavy but this got me thinking...

When God creates, he creates with relational integrity. Everything is connected and fits together. This is true not only in the physical realm, but even more so in the spiritual. The bible tells us that when one man sinned, all creation groaned.

Those who study science have told us that a butterfly fluttering its wings in South America could, in come sense, be the primary cause of an avalanche in Antarctica. This level of complexity strikes us as new and innovative, and yet the Scriptures have advocated this kind of interconnection for thousands of years. The idea that the sin of one man and one woman could send a disruption throughout the entire cosmos is an extroadinary description of the organic connection between all of nature.

The pulling of one piece of fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil was the primary influence of famines that spread across deserts, tsunamis that swallow up villages, earthquakes that shake the earth, and the unpredictable force and violence of nature. According to scripture, everything is connected, and every action has at least some effect on the whole.

Its the last sentence that especially grabs me.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been going through the process of meeting with prospective employers and trying to figure out how going back to work (part time) will pan out. At first it seemed relatively straightforward as Reuben was working from home and so he could care for our two babies while I was at work. (My only concern was the fact that I am still breast feeding a fairly mummy dependent 11mth old - and how would she cope). Then Reuben started his current contract which meant I had to look at either working nights/weekends OR find alternative childcare.

As I reflected on it, I became more and more uneasy. Theres so many factors to take into consideration, and I don't have energy write now to type it out. My decision which ever way will affect so many different things - in my life, my husbands life, my childrens lives... But for now it doesn't feel right for us...

So I contacted the guy and told him...

no.

eating the apple & epidurals

So... I had part of a conversation a couple of days ago and would love to know what you think...

It went like this..

OTHER: "did you know epidurals take away all the pain so giving birth doesn't hurt"

ME: "yeah, but the pain has a purpose"

OTHER: "whatever, the pain is because adam and eve ate the apple"

the conversation continued with me giving my opinion of why I don't like epidurals as a standard form of pain relief. (don't do a knee jerk - I realise sometimes they are necessary...)

God intended birth to be pain free, (or at least different to how we experience it) but as a result of the fall, it is not. Therefore, is having an epidural (and therefore reduced labour pains, simply experiencing birth as God intended???

theres a thought...

Does it exist?

I led worship at cession tonight. Anyway, pre-service I was trying to find a passage in the bible that talks about God inhabiting or dwelling the praises of his people. I asked a few people who have have good knowledge of the bible and they couldn't remember. I rang my dad and asked him to look for it.. he searched the net to find the reference for me and he couldn't find it. I searched my NIV concordance last night - and couldn't find it...

I'm starting to wonder if it exists! Or is it one of those phrases that we have all heard so often that we simply believe it to be scripture?

Ten points to anyone that can find the reference and post it for me!!!

Lets get excited

A special friend of mine is due to have her baby on my birthday. There is something extra special for me about this awaited delivery, as she has asked me to be her 2nd support person as she labours and gives birth - something I am really looking forward to doing. We hung out yesterday and she showed me the babies room and we chatted about the final things she needed to buy and then went shopping at baby factory.

There seems to be something really special about 1st babies. Its the first for the mum and dad, and the first junior for friends and family to enjoy. We found people came out of the woodwork and showered us with gifts and well wishes before and after Isabella was born. Some people we recieved cards and gifts from I hadn't even met. Seemed kind of strange at the time. Lovely all the same.

When Hannah came along there were still well wishes and lovely gifts, but a noticeable difference from baby no. 1's arrival. Having only 17mths gap between them also brought varied comments. Not such the jubilant celebration as when we announced Isabellas imminent arrival. There were a few kind of rude comments actually... Having only a 17mth gap is apparently not a good decision according to some.

Another of my friends whose two children are the same age as Isabella & Hannah, is expecting her third. She will for a few weeks have 3 under 3. This gets me to the point of the post.

She is almost out of her 1st trimester, and has not told many people that she is expecting. This isn't because she is trying to keep it a secret. Its actually because she is avoiding the awful, hurtful comments that seem to flow from many friends and family when they hear the news. Their issue? In their opinion 3 kids is too many... the gap is too close... its going to be too difficult.

In truth it took her a few days to get used to the idea. She is finding it hard going being pregnant and having two littlies to care for - I don't imagine it will get alot easier in the short term either. The point is though, this is a new life, a perhaps unexpected yet now welcomed addition to their family. Why should she feel ashamed to tell people about being pregnant? She's not asking for anyone else to step in and look after her kids for her.

I guess I just relate cause I can imagine the comments that would come if I were walking in her shoes. So what am I trying to say?

• Every baby is special regardless of whether its a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th...
• Why not celebrate news of an expected baby and therefore be offering support to the parents to be.
  
• hold back on the judgemental comments.

Thats really it I think - We are not expecting baby no.3 (as far as we are aware!). But when we are we will look forward to it, so please, be excited for us, as I am for both of my friends above...

Stanmore Bay

Took these pics on a recent visit to the "beach house" at Stanmore Bay. The place belonged to my Grandparents. I spent many long summers days and nights here. Sadly, it will be auctioned soon. This was kind of like a goodbye visit. I love this place...

thanks God

We get down to scraping the barrell again and waiting for work to come through in time and yet again God proves his faithfulness. A 3-5 mth contract for reuben. And given the job less than 24hrs from first application to the recruitment agency.

My God is an Awesome God.

the wonderful sacrum...

I started this post as a comment to Franks blog and then decided just to post it on my own blog as it was getting a little lengthy... Being a physio who has worked with clients who are pregnant and having taught part of antenatal classes i just couldn't help myself... sorry.

So I'd love to know exactly what Franks childbirth educator said about the wonderful sacrum.

Here goes the anatomy lesson. The spine is divided into different sections - Cervical (basically the neck), Thoracic (ribs attach to these 12 vertebrae), Lumbar (low back), Sacrum (base of the spine) and coccyx (tailbone). The Sacrum attaches on each side to the ilium, or pelvis. You can work out where this is by checking for the two dimples at the top of your butt.These two joints are called your sacroiliac joints (SIJ). The pelvis joins again at the front which is called the pubic symphysis joint. These three joints are pretty much the strongest joints in your body - have to be really!

As far as I'm aware, it is actually the coccyx (tailbone) that does most of the flexing and moving during birth. So by adopting different positions (I can hear Frank giggling ;o) the baby passes through the pelvis more easily. The SI Joints and pubic symphysis joints are softened during pregnancy by the hormone relaxin. This allows for the pelvis itself to stretch and give a little to assist with allowing the babies head through the pelvic outlet. So although the sacrum is a big part of all of this, it isn't the main event (so to speak).

As a side issue, my main personal pregnancy issue with Isabella & Hannah has been as a result of those softened pelvic joints. Dysfunction with these joints can cause lots of pain with walking, rolling in bed, getting up out of chairs, wallking up stairs etc etc... and it can take a while to come right. I still can't go for a short run without suffering the consequences afterwards... thats 10mths later...

life stress test

I know - this is ridiculous! 3 posts in less than 24hrs!

I decided to do this test on life stress events. It gets you to check off different stressful life events that you have experienced over the past year and then gives you a score which indicates how at risk you are of succumbing to stress related illness.

If you score more than 200, you have a 50% chance of becoming seriously ill from stress. If you score 300 or more, your chance increases to 80%. Those who clock fewer than 150 life change units have very little chance of developing serious illness due to stress in the next few years. About one person out of 10 with a total less than 150 will become ill over the next year due to stress.

here's my results...

Your Stress Test Score Results

Your score is 339

According to the Holmes & Rahe* statistical prediction model your score means a significant amount of life change and a significant susceptability (about 80% probability) to stress-related illness. However please keep in mind that there are many variables that interact on health including positive factors such as support from family, friends or work associates. If you are concerned about your stress levels then you should seek the assistance of a qualified counsellor or health practitioner.

Holmes TH & Rahe, RH (1967) The Social Readjustment Scale, Journal of Psychomatic Research, 11, 213-218

hmmmmmm, interesting... no wonder I felt like an overfilled balloon waiting to pop!

last nights visitor

two young up and coming artists (aged 16 & 18) paid us a visit last night. Sadly Reuben was out at the time so couldn't personally show his appreciation. Luckily they will get credit for their artistic flair though as a neighbour spotted them in action and called their fan club (a.k.a. "police"). If only they knew how famous their art work is now!

biting more than we can chew

I have been processing this post internally for the past few weeks. I have a few different angles and maybe this will have to be a few posts in the end.

When Hannah was a newborn (shes now 10mths) and Isabella 17mths, my mum made a somewhat passing comment comparing mothers today and mothers back in the day when she was getting amongst with nappies and such. It was along the lines of how being at home and being a fulltime mum (to babies/toddlers) was considered a fulltime job - hence they didn't take on extra commitments and responsibilities outside of that.

Now the comment was made in a supportive and concerned way. She was suggesting the reason I was feeling completely overwhelmed was because she I was attempting to bite way to much more than I could chew. Of course I was quite disagreeable to this idea that I was overdoing things... however I have been mulling over this comment ever since.

I sense there is an expectation now that we can do it all. We get to the point in our lives when we start to have babies and think nothing else has to give. Sure, we give ourselves a mandatory 12 wk period off when baby arrives - from work or ministry, and then relaunch ourselves. Some go back to work, sometimes finances forcing their hand, juggling childcare and a career; others stay at home, taking on the fulltime childcare and household responsibility - a job we never "go home" from.

And I have to say it - it is probably those of us who have been highly motivated, high achievers, highly involved that have the most pressure to get back to it. And the pressure is mostly internal I think.

I think society has changed dramatically over the past 30yrs. Our lives are more complex and busy. As great as the feminist movement has been in some areas, it has made things really suck for women in other areas. Sure, we should expect to face internal questions about our changing role as we face motherhood, but why should we feel guilty, lazy or less significant when we contemplate letting go of some of the other stuff we do.

I've discovered I am not superwoman, although I suspect I will keep trying to be... I suspect my mum is right - some of us have ridiculous expectations of ourselves. We are trying to do too much - and we're paying the price... more on that later...

Hannahs week of firsts

Last week was a week of firsts for Hannah. She's almost 10 months (on the 8th) and as cute as they come (at least that's what I think). I would describe her as a pretty laid back girl. She's happy to chill out and not that fussed to get moving - which I am kind of grateful for. The longer you know exactly where they are the better! So 10 days ago she got those little arms and legs co ordinated and started crawling. And now instead of getting upset when there is no one in the room to talk to and watch, she just follows us around the house. Then a day later I was fishing some paper out of her mouth (her favourite place for storing all matter of things) and discovered her first tooth just coming through her little gummies. I think the next one is well on its way as she was fairly grumpy the next couple of days.

yay for the firsts! not long till the first birthday - can you believe it!

Holy Discontent

Last year (about September if my memory is correct) I heard a message from Bill Hybels that he preached at the willow creek convention. One of the messages really stuck out to me. I still think about it in fact.

He talked about 'Holy Discontent' (HD from here on...) and discovering what your personal HD is. From his description, I remember a persons HD being the thing that absolutely breaks them (tears their heart apart) and moves them to act. SO an example might be someone who decides to work at the SPCA because they can't bear animal cruelty. This person is "broken" by animal abuse and chooses to actively do something about it. Your HD could be a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g... If you stop to think about it, you can work out what some peoples HD is easily.

I keep coming back to the question "What is MY Holy Discontent?" What breaks MY heart? What tears ME up inside? What makes ME churn? What prompts me to act?

Its been aparent for a while now that cases in the media of child abuse REALLY get to me. The current story in NZ about the Kahui twins really rips my heart. As I watched one news report on it and talked to my husband about it, the tears flowed freely. Or Children starving and dying cause they don't have food, drink or medicine. Nothing else seems to touch me quite as much as this does. So is this my HD? Or is this and area that touches me more at the moment because I have two small children of my own?

And what about being prompted to action? We sponser two kids through tear fund - have done for many years... but action in NZ needs to be more than just money? what can i do? thoughts anyone??

In the meantime will keep dialoguing with God about it and keep exposing myself to stories in the media / real life. Perhaps I haven't yet been broken enough?...

my little rock star!

Showing great microphone technique already with the support of her groupie - "baby"
credit to Melissa for the great pics!

She also is developing some beautiful little manners - at the moment we don't just get "thankyou", we get "thanku vee much", so very cute!

netball and achy joints

so I have been asked to play netball again. I was going to play for this team at the beginning of the year (when I was 3mths postnatal after Hannah birth). But after going to the first training in FebruaryI was in pain for two days with a sore pelvis and hips. So that was the end of that!

[I had pelvic arthropathy in both pregnacies which takes a while to resolve sometimes. I was feeling the ache now and again up until about 6 weeks ago when I broke my toe. This meant no going out for long walks for a period and as a result no achy pelvis or hips.]

so back to the netball... I got the call up to go play cause the team have lost their shooter to injury. i was actually kind of excited at the prospect having watched the national bank cup semi-finals in the last week and feeling the yearn to play. The coach told me to come to their training if I could as she wanted to do some half court so the girls could get used to playing with me. so after finally settling hannah to bed I set off and arrived at the courts by 8.15pm. their training finishes at 8.45pm so time was limited. I did a small warm up of a few laps and a few active stretches and then played half court for 20mins. It was fun to be back!

Anyway, walking back to the car I could feel it already, and for the next 24hrs my hips and pelvic joints once again ached.

Long story short... Its worth it for the while. I love playing, I miss playing, and the game is on saturday... bring it!

the leaking balloon

Its funny. I have started to notice in the last two days a feeling I haven't experienced for so so long (at least eight months). Like a weight is starting to lift, like I am perhaps beginning to gain control of my world.

(I write this with trepidation, that I might easily lose control again)

I feel like a balloon that has been blown up really tight and left for way too long, but now the air is slowly escaping,

and it feels good...

Oh, the responsibilty

I love my two little girls. Becoming pregnant with Isabella (our eldest at 2yrs) was like fulfillment of a dream for me (not the pregnant part, more the starting the family part...). Nothing prepared me for the depth of love I would have for them. I love them sooooo much. In fact it wasn't until they came along that I had any comprehension of how my own parents must consider me.

I want to grow my sweet little girls into self-confident young women. I want them to know how much worth they hold, how beautiful they are and how much their heavenly father loves them also. I want them to have excellent judgement of character, to discern between right and wrong and then to make great choices. I want them to love God and to have compassion for others. the list of dreams I have for them goes on. I am praying for their future husbands already - afterall, they may be little toddlers themselves (we do have arrangements with a certain young mans parents for one of our daughters, but I guess the kids may have to have the last say in that arrangment!).

As Isabella is becoming so much more like a little person (rather than a baby), I have noticed her experiencing new emotions (beyond, frustrastion, happy, sad...). I have noticed facial expressions I would describe as hurt. On the occassion I snap at her, for no valid reason, or am grumpy and projecting it to her, or take her to time out when perhaps I have misunderstood the situation and she was just trying to help. I see her little face crumble and it breaks my heart. I know it can't be expected that any parent will be perfect, but I find the responsibility hefty.

advocating for homebirth

interesting article in the NZ herald today about Britian urging mothers-to-be to give birth at home. Caught my eye...

Unconditional

We have gone unconditional on our first home! Very exciting...

Well last time i left with the news that our move out and move in days were aligned. The new bit to add is as follows... The agent called us up and asked if we would settle two weeks ealier than agreed (26 May). I was pretty hesitant. Thinking about how everthing had lined up so perfectly I thought it couldn't possibly be in God's plan to move in earlier. Reuben decided we should say yes and after talking to God about it, I decided to submit (now theres a topic!) and let Reuben lead on this one. We rang the agent to confirm the date and then rang our Mortgage broker Josh the next day to tell him of the change in dates.

Turns out he was about to call us that day and ask if we would be able to bring settlement forward to the... 26 May! He had negotiated a mean deal for us on the mortgage which would only last till that date. Settling any later would have meant paying $1900 more in fees!

Coincidence all this is not.

buying our first home

It has been a dream of ours from when we got married almost 7 1/2 yrs ago to buy our own home. Although we have begun to step down that path a number of times, it has never happened to date. God has spoken fairly clearly to me a number of times on the issue giving quite a loud NO, not now. The most recent of these words to wait and be patient was on the 1st January 2006 through psalm 37...

At the end of January our landlord Kaine told us that he was putting his house on the market. So when you're renting it works like this: if the house isn't sold to an investor you are given 42days from when the sale goes unconditional to move out. Reuben told Kaine that we would be keeping our options open as to whether we would move out before then. We began to pray for Gods perfect timing over the sale of Kaines house and us finding a new place to live.

The search then started. we watched on the net and papers for potential rental properties for us to move to. We found two houses in particular which seemed like they should be perfect. Both in good location, one of which the christian landlord wanted to reduce the rent so we would take it, (reuben & I agreed that it didn't "feel" right, and so let it go) and the other the house of old family friends (another party offered to pay MORE than the asking amount of rent so we missed out on this one also)...

Cruising on Trade Me one friday night I noticed a cute looking place for sale out in Papakura. We had to vacate our house for an open house the following afternoon so decided to go check it out. This started us on our most recent exploration into home buying. This house (we'll call it the blue house) really caught both of our attention. It doesn't often happen that Reuben and I both think a place is great. So we got the parents through, met with a broker and decided to make an offer. To cut the long story short, it became a multi offer scenario. We put in our best offer, prayed that if it was meant to be that we would get it... and then lost it to the other party by $5K. We were so disappointed!

Over the next three - four weeks we waited in hope that the sale of the blue house would fall through. Alas it didn't. The door felt like it was opening for us to continue looking to buy. So we did - and we looked at lots of awful houses in our price range. The blue house seemed to grow in our memory and we wondered if we would find anything as good.

I had seen a place on Trade me (the yellow house) that looked okay but didm't bother investigating it as it was $45k over our maximum price. As it happened they listed their house with Harveys (now at $25K over our absolute max). An agent told us about it and took us through. It was an OK place but we weren't that excited by it and decided not to take it further. A week later, the agent rang to say the owners really needed a quick sale as the had bought themselves. We decided to do a a second look with the parents. It felt still too expensive for us and we didn't feel emotional about the house anyway.

After talking to a couple of wise friends we decided we may as well make an offer and maybe get a good deal. we made the offer at our max amount possible. The owners rejected our offer and that was that. didn't feel sad about it at all! Four days later, the agent rang back to say the owners now wanted to accept our offer and were we still keen. We said yes - $25K below asking price! And now it started to grow in our minds and we started to see how much better yellow house was than blue house.

So you remember how we were praying for everything to line up... the agent for Kaines house was absolutely perplexed as to why it hadn't sold. well we found out this past saturday that Kaines house has sold. And what would you know, the date we need to be out of here (42 days) is the same as our move in day to yellow house...

Gods timing and plans are perfect!

she's gone

Grandma died on thursday 20th April, 10.22pm. She went into Hospital wednesday afternoon after suffering a massive stroke. My mum was with her when she went. Grandma opened her eyes and smiled at her, then closed them and the space between her breaths got longer and longer till she didn't breathe any more. Kind of a funny thing to contemplate what happens in the moment between life and death...

snazzibabes

Go to this website and click on snazzibabes... Check out those two cuties in their green butterflies... snazzipants

slowly fading

so after my first two blogs came thick and fast there's been a lull. and i've gone down hill. I have been tempted to get up and write at about 11pm for the last two nights, to wade through the mind mess, but I haven't. My friend has been trying to keep me accountable to going to bed at a reasonable hour so it was really her influence that stopped me - or it could have been the fact that i was just too shattered..

the back of my eyes feel wet and yet still too dry. i want tears to come out of them and to feel the release that comes from letting out emotion.

i don't want my grandma to die(now the tears are coming out and i can't see the computer properly) i'm not ready. she's not meant to die now.but i see her and shes not the same.i'm sick of well meaning friends telling me they hope for her sake it doesn't take much longer and that it would be better for her, for this part to go fast.easy words spoken with well meant compassion but they make me want to hurl.some moments i just want to open my mouth up and screw my eyes shut and throw my head back and scream and scream and scream...in fact i kind of did that yesterday. what with one baby screaming and the other having a tired tanty (while trying to change her nappy), a headache and sleep deprivation (my sleeping has gone mental again) i lost it for a moment. when i finished having my moment i looked down at miss almost two and she was gazing at me with an expression as if to say "what the crap?.." (it did stop the tanty!)

and right now i feel a little better.this outburst has cleared some saddness for the now. maybe i need an annonymous blog for all of this, or maybe this is okay. just keeping it real...

midwives & the media

Have been thinking about the way midwives are getting trashed in the media at the moment in NZ. I was pretty frustrated after watching 60 minutes on TV3 last monday at the biased & factually incorrect information that was being relayed to mr & ms general public. They had two tragic cases of babies who had died during childbirth and whom had midwives as their LMC's (that's lead maternity carers). 60mins angle was that midwifery care is insufficient, unsafe and that women should be birthing in hospitals with obstetricians (that's baby/mum doctors) running the show. Sad how the tragic, isolated cases call into question the whole system. I guess it is the longing to be able to place blame at the foot of someone or something. Completely understandable although possibly misguided. Just as my experience shouldn't dictate how others should choose to birth, neither should theirs. The program talked about how by medicalising birth (think early 20th century) they made it so much safer for women and how perhaps we should revisit doctors having control over pregnancy, labour and birth. (see note at the bottom...)

During my first pregnancy, i did a whole lot of reading about labour etc trying to get myself prepared. (check out http://www.homebirth.org.uk/) What I found is a whole lot of evidence that giving birth in hospital is not necessarily safer (for someone sho has a normal healthy pregnancy) and can actually be less safe than birthing at home! (yes I know, heresy isn't it!) We (me and Reuben) meet our midwife Rhonda when we were 24wks pregnant (had to dump the first one as it just wasn't working, but that's another story). As the weeks passed and we got to know her, we become more and more confident in her ability to care for us as a family and most importantly to ensure a healthy baby & mummy at the end of it all. She gave me confidence in my ability to do what billions of women before me have done.

And yes, we did it - twice now! Without the need for doctors, drugs & sterile rooms. So here's to midwives, who work long unreliable hours, who are on call 24/7 and who on the whole do an amazing job.

note... when we started telling people we were considering home birth, naturally we had significant numbers of less than favourable opinions handed to us, including from my mother and grandmother. not that suprising given their birth experiences. Both experienced highly medicalised births. My mums 5 deliveries (1970's & 80's) including high forceps x 2, caesareans x 2, epidurals, inductions, being shaved, enemas etc, nice... My Grandmas 3 births (1950's) under general anaesthetic (one can only imagine how they got those babies out!). The funny thing was when Grandma realised that her mother (my gt grandma) who gave birth in the 1920's had two successful births at... home - with a midwife! oh how things come about...

Time to start...

Well, everybody seems to be doing it, so here I am. here i go, my first blog... who really knows how long i will keep it up. amongst, washing, dishes, nappies and everything else i do, keeping this may just be the distraction i need (or time waster!)

My first thoughts are to get out my real thoughts about a discussion Frank Ritchie held in the green room on Life FM a couple of sundays ago. I rang in and this is something I normally just don't do. The fact that I didn't get my thoughts out coherently has been bugging me, so I guess this is as good a forum as any.

The topic was abortion. Being a Christian radio station and all, the majority of callers voiced the view that abortion is wrong and that it ends the life of a little human that God has created. Lots of people coined the term murder. I myself have always been a black and white kind of person, and in essence agree with what they were saying. To me that is the truth. Those callers were calling it exactly as they (and I) see it. I truly believe that Jesus wouldn't want any one of those babies to die in that manner. I also believe Jesus wouldn't want any woman to suffer through the trauma of having an abortion.

The problem I have with their hardline, hardnosed attitude is as follows...

Being a Christian, I want to become more and more like Jesus Christ. I want to emulate him, be like him. As much as Jesus was full of truth (In fact he is the truth), he was also full of grace. The woman who has been raped, falls pregnant and has an abortion, the woman in difficult circumstances who feels that she has no other option, I can't see the Jesus I know turning his back on them. In fact he would be the one to offer grace and love (with the truth) when the "religious" people turned their backs.

Grace... thats underserved favour and acceptance...

We live constantly with the consequences of our actions. Women and their families need the grace that Jesus Christ offers (whether post-abortion or not), and who better to offer it than those of us who know Gods grace already. So perhaps Christians who are full of truth and like to share that truth around (with much sensitivity... not!) need to think about becoming a little more "full of grace"...

So hows that for a first... very cathartic!

now off to lunch and some Dr Phil on TV before my beautiful babies are once again awake!